The Sharpie Show
by StarKateFLG
Summary: Kate and Max kidnap random His Dark Materials characters and FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HIDEOUS SECRETS! MUAHAHA! FF.net friendly version! ^_^
1. Meet Your Hosts!

Live from an aluminum trash can, it's. . .   
  
The Sharpie Show!  
  
I have a sheep! Sheep! Sheep!  
His name is Joe! Joe! Joe!  
He cuts my lawn! Lawn! Lawn!  
That much I know! Know! Know!  
  
He eats my grass! Grass! Grass!  
And grows his hair! Hair! Hair!  
And when he's done! Done! Done!  
My lawn is bare! Bare! Bare!  
  
I have a cow! Cow! Cow!  
His name is Sue! Sue! Sue!  
His coat is pink! Pink! Pink!  
With spots of blue! Blue! Blue!  
  
He wants to be! Be! Be!  
An opera star! Star! Star!  
But with his voice! Voice! Voice!  
He won't go far! Far! Far!  
  
Girl: Hi howdy hey everyone!  
  
Boy: Yo.  
  
Both: Welcome to another blatant knock-off of the Pencil Show. . . the Sharpie Show!  
  
Girl: We're your hosts! I'm Kate!  
  
Boy: And I'm Max.  
  
Kate: Now if you've read the Pencil Show, you know what this is all about.  
  
Max: If not, GO READ IT FOR RUTA'S SAKE! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!  
  
Kate: Here we'll kidnap random His Dark Materials characters and force them to. . ..  
  
Both: REVEAL THEIR MOST HIDEOUS SECRETS! BWAHAHAHA!  
  
Kate: Our first guest is. . .  
  
Max: Wait a minute. I still don't get why we're calling this the Sharpie Show. Why can't we call it something cool . . . like the Spatula show? *pulls out Chester, the Spatula of Doom*  
  
Kate: Or the Microphone show! *pulls out Gwenivere, the Uber-Spiffy Microphone*  
  
Max: Exactly. A Sharpie is a stupid pen. What made you name our show after one?  
  
Kate: Because I just used one to outline this pretty picture of you hitting on Ruta Skadi! *holds up a picture of an elegant and detailed Ruta Skadi glaring at a stick figure surrounded by cartoon hearts containing garish color*  
  
Max: WHAT?!  
  
Kate: So this is the Sharpie Show! *grin*  
  
Max: Damn you.  
  
Kate: ^_^  
  
Max: Since we don't have time for a show today, we *looks at theme song* . . . hey, wait a minute. . . how can a cow named Sue be a guy?  
  
Kate: Dontcha remember the song about a boy named Sue?  
  
Max: Kindly never mention that in my presence.  
  
Kate: BOY NAMED SUE! BOY NAMED SUE!  
  
Max: *Whacks Kate with Chester, the Spatula of Doom*  
  
Kate: Ow!  
  
Max: As I was saying. . .  
  
Kate: Before you went off on a tangent.  
  
Max: *glare* AS I WAS SAYING. . . our first guest ever is that liar extraordinaire, Lyra Silvertongue/Belacqua!  
  
Kate: YAAAAY! So send in your questions for Lyra, and remember not to feed the purple cheese llamas!  
  
Max: That made absolutely no sense.  
  
Kate: I know ^_^  
  
Max: Right.  
  
Kate: So ask Lyra your questions, and don't forget to review!  
  
Max: See ya.  
  
Kate: Bye!  
  
==================  
  
A.N. Remember, do NOT ask questions using FF.net's review function. It's BAD! Go here instead: http://pub90.ezboard.com/bthesharpieshow 


	2. Lyra is Kidnapped er, Comes to Visit!

Chapter 2 : Lyra is kinapped. . . er. . . comes to visit!  
  
Live from an aluminum trash can, it's. . .  
  
THE SHARPIE SHOW!  
  
I have a sheep! Sheep! Sheep!  
His name is Joe! Joe! Joe!  
He cuts my lawn! Lawn! Lawn!  
That much I know! Know! Know!  
  
  
Kate: Welcome to the Sharpie Show!  
  
Max: Today we have a very special guest.  
  
Kate: Actually, Max just likes saying "special".  
  
Max: I do not!  
  
Kate: He thinks it makes things sound important.  
  
Max: Shut up. *whacks Kate with his spatula*  
  
Kate: Oww!  
  
Max: Please welcome Lyra Belacqua/Silvertongue!  
  
*random people drag Lyra in*  
  
Kate: HI LYRA! *waves*  
  
Lyra: Lemme go! Where am I?  
  
Kate: You're on THE SHARPIE SHOW!  
  
Max: The show where we kidnap random His Dark Materials characters and force them to answer our questions!  
  
Lyra: I ent answering no questions.  
  
Kate: Good!  
  
Lyra: *blink*  
  
Kate: I love gramattical technicalities XD  
  
Lyra: Where's Pantalaimon?  
  
Max: He's not here. We're interviewing him later.  
  
Lyra: . . .  
  
Kate: Okay! First question is from me! What's up with your name?  
  
Lyra: Huh?  
  
Kate: Well, it just sounds so much like liar, that I wondered if maybe that's what it meant. You do lie a lot, after all.  
  
Lyra: Not that I know of.  
  
Max: *from behind the Dictionary* It says here Lyra is a northern constellation that represents the lyre of Orpheus.  
  
Kate: So you're a musical instrument!  
  
Lyra: No! What kind of a show is this?  
  
Kate: A spiffy one!  
  
Max: Our second question is from ElfinQueenMurasaki, who asks "If you had five watermelons in one pocket, and five coconuts in the other, what is the circumference of a French Corn Chip?"  
  
Lyra: o.O What?  
  
Kate: The answer, of course, is 77 gold duck feathers! The next question is from Some Guy who asks "Did you and Will ever have sexual contact?"  
  
Max: Hey, I've been wondering that too.  
  
Lyra: Even if I did, what makes you think I'd tell you? That's none of your business!  
  
Kate: Boys. *eyeroll*  
  
Lyra: Hmph.  
  
Kate: *whispers to Lyra* Did you?  
  
Lyra: I'm not saying we DIDN'T . . . *micheivous grin*  
  
Kate: *giggles insanely*  
  
Max: Girls. *eyeroll*  
  
Kate: *continues to giggle*  
  
Max: This question is . . .   
  
Kate: *is still giggling*  
  
Max: *singsong voice* Oh Ka-a-a-ate. . .  
  
Kate: What?!  
  
Max: Shut up! *whacks Kate with Chester*  
  
Kate: Oww! Co-host abuse!  
  
Max: That's better. Now this question comes from Hikaness. . .  
  
Kate: HI HIKA!  
  
Max: *glares at Kate* Hikaness asks WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY KITCHEN? Oh... wait... you're not in my kitchen! You're in my computer! *sobs* WHY ARE YOU STALKING ME?  
  
Lyra: What?! I was never in your kitchen! I swear, I know nothing about any strawberry mousse! I wasn't involved in the pasta incident, it was like that when I got there! I'm not in your computer!  
  
Kate: You're in mine!  
  
Lyra: . . . I SWEAR I'M NOT STALKING ANYONE! Why do I always get blamed for everything?!  
  
Max: Because you usually DO everything?  
  
Lyra: Could be.  
  
Kate: *randomly sets Lyra's skirt on fire*  
  
Lyra: AAAUGH! *frantically rolls around to put the fire out* WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!  
  
Kate: I wanted to see how people burn when they're separated from their daemons!  
  
Max: No you didn't, you're just a pyromaniac.  
  
Kate: I like fire *-*  
  
Lyra: SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF THIS CRAZY PLACE! *makes a break for freedom*  
  
Max: Oh no you don't, we're not through with you! *random people grab Lyra and tie her to her chair*  
  
Kate: Comfy?  
  
Lyra: No.  
  
Kate Good! Usakitten asks "just exactly how far did you go with Will?"  
  
Lyra: *picks at the knots in the rope* Wouldn't you like to know.  
  
Max: Yes, we would.  
  
Kate: I wasn't finished. "We know you made-out, and bathed together. . ."  
  
Lyra: How did you find out?!  
  
Kate: I read the Amber Spyglass!  
  
Max: Twice!  
  
Kate: So answer the question.  
  
Lyra: And what if I don't?  
  
Kate: Then you will be subject to the talents of Max and his Spatula of Doom.  
  
Lyra: O.o what?  
  
Max: *maniacal grin* Heheh. . . Chester likes to torture uncooperative hostages. . . er. . . guests!  
  
Lyra: O.O ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! *whispers something in Kate's ear that maker her turn a lovely shade of red and giggle like a schoolgirl high on Mountain Dew*  
  
Max: HEY! What did she say?  
  
Kate: I'll tell you when you're older. Maybe.  
  
Max: I hate you.  
  
Kate: ^_^ I hate you too! *hugs Max*  
  
Max: You're an idiot.  
  
Kate: You're a boy named Sue.  
  
Max: *glare*  
  
Lyra: This is worse than Bolvangar! Someone get me out of here!  
  
Kate: Not before we ask you another question.  
  
Max: Right. Morpherkidvb asks "When you think about Will, do you associate his name with things like 'Catnip', 'lover', and 'Wild African Buffalo'?"  
  
Lyra: Catnip, no. Lover, yes. Wild African Buffalo, yes.  
  
Kate: You associate Will with a Wild African Buffalo?  
  
Lyra: . . .yes. Yes I do.  
  
Kate: That's weird.  
  
Max: Sounds like something YOU would say! *points at Kate and laughs*  
  
Kate: Oh be quiet. *whacks Max with her microphone*  
  
Max : *dies* X.X  
  
Kate: Good riddance.   
  
Lyra: But . . . your co-host is dead!  
  
Max: *rezzes* She'd like that, wouldn't she?  
  
Kate: WHAT?! You're supposed to be a ghost! WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!  
  
Max: Well I would, but I . . . borrowed Hika's Immortality Spray.  
  
Kate: You thieving little. . . not-nice person!  
  
Max: *smirks* No need to be jeleous, O mortal one. If you promise to be my devoted slave for oh, say, eternity, maybe I'll let you have some.  
  
Kate: Why would I want to be immortal anyway?  
  
Max: I seem to recall Hika spraying a certain hobbit you spend the better part of your life drooling over with Immortality Spray.  
  
Kate: O.O GIMME! *tackles Max*  
  
Max: No! Go steal. . . eh, get your own!  
  
Lyra: *takes advantage of the fight and runs away, leaving her now untied ropes in a pile around her chair*  
  
Max: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, YOU CAN HAVE THE STUPID SPRAY! STOP BITING ME!  
  
Kate: *unclamps her teeth from Max's ear* Yay!  
  
Max: *dumps the spray on the ground* Oops! Did I do that?  
  
Kate: HEY! You did that on purpose! *pokes Max* And you let our hostage. . . er. . . guest escape!  
  
Max: Was it my turn to watch her?  
  
Kate: YES!  
  
Max: Nutbunnies. Well folks, it seems that for now our show must come to an end.  
  
Kate: It's kind of hard to interview someone who has run away in terror.  
  
Max: But be sure to join us next time, when we interview Will Parry!  
  
Lyra: *off camera* WILL?! WHERE?! LEMME SEE WILL!  
  
Kate: Nope, you had your chance! Until next time, and send in your questions for Will! It will please the purple cheese llamas!  
  
Max: And randomness strikes again.  
  
Kate: Namarie ^_^  
  
Lyra: *wails* I WANNA SEE WILL!  
  
======  
A/N: Why is Lyra saying "lemme", "wanna", and "gonna" so much? I dunno. Maybe I just like blurring words XD Send in your questions for Will!  
And yes, if you couldn't tell already, I love Lord of the Rings too. . . ^_^ 


	3. Will What?

Chapter 3  
  
Will what?  
  
I have a sheep! Sheep! Sheep!  
His name is Joe! Joe! Joe!  
He cuts my lawn! Lawn! Lawn!  
That much I know! Know! Know!  
  
Max: Welcome to the Sharpie Show!  
  
Kate: Today we have a lovely show for you. Why? Because I said so! And because today's guest is WILL PARRY!  
  
*random people drag Will out*  
  
Will: Where am I?!  
  
Max: You're on the Sharpie Show!  
  
Will: The what?  
  
Kate: The show where we kidnap random His Dark Materials characters and. . .   
  
Max: FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HIDEOUS SECRETS!  
  
Both: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Will: O.o  
  
Kate: Why do they always make that face after we laugh maniacally?  
  
Max: Beats me. Okay dude, introduce yourself to everyone.  
  
Will: But you already know who I am. . . hey, how do you know that anyway?  
  
Kate: Nunya business! *hides copy of the Subtle Knife behind back* Answer the question.  
  
Will: But there was no question.  
  
Max: Just tell everyone who you are already, we're getting bored.  
  
Kate: You wouldn't like us when we're bored.  
  
Will: . . .I'm Will.  
  
Max: Will what?  
  
Will: Will Parry.  
  
Kate: How does someone "parry"?  
  
Will: No, that's my name.  
  
Max: Parry?  
  
Will: NO! For God's sake, you knew it a minute ago!  
  
Kate: You killed God, remember?  
  
Will: That was Lyra.  
  
Kate: Oh yeah. Our first question comes from Morpherkidvb, who asks "Do you read the National Enquierer? Did you hear about the lespian lovers' ghosts found on the Titanic? Did you believe it? Was one of the lespian lovers someone you know?"  
  
Will: No, I do NOT read the National Enquierer, but I think I did hear something about lesbian lover ghosts on the Titanic last week. . .  
  
Kate: I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!  
  
Max: So do I!  
  
Will: Me too!  
  
*everyone looks at Will oddly*  
  
Will: . . . well, I did once. . .  
  
Max: Next question! Perfectangel asks "Have you ever heard of the story Marina? Or met a girl named Marina with a twin sister named Sydney? BTW, Sydney seems to *like* you!"  
  
Will: Marina? Wasn't that an opera or something? I DO know a boy named Sydn. . . WHAT?! HE *LIKES* ME?!  
  
Kate: My turn! My turn! Trisweb (who has good taste, might I add ^_^) wants to know if you ever found out what Kirjava meant.  
  
Will: No, but Serafina Pekkala named her, so I'm sure it means something. . . wait, how do YOU know about Kirjava?  
  
Max: Nunya business! *hides copy of the Amber Spyglass behind back*  
  
Kate: Well it's obvious, isn't it? Kirjava is some sort of exotic soup made from the spit of domestic tree wombats who live deep in the jungles of Kukamunga where the sun always shines and it snows every day at 3!  
  
Max: . . . dare I even ask how you came to that conclusion?  
  
Kate: No ^_^  
  
Max: I think it means coffee.  
  
Will: O.o  
  
Kate: There's that face again. . .  
  
Max: Now for the sake of getting the OTHER half of the story, we're going to ask you some of the questions we asked Lyra.  
  
Will: LYRA?! LYRA WAS HERE?!  
  
Kate: Uh huh! She ran away when Max and I were fighting over Immortality Spray. I liked her ^_^  
  
Max: You set her on fire!  
  
Kate: I like fire *-*  
  
Will: Lyra was in this very trashcan. . . breathing this very air. . . answering these very stupid questions. . .  
  
Kate: And she sat in that very chair you're sitting in.  
  
Will: *glomps on the chair* I miss Lyra!  
  
Kate: I miss her too!  
  
Kate/Will: *wail together about how they miss Lyra*  
  
Max: You're all idiots. *whacks Kate and Will with his Spatula of Doooom* So Will, did you and Lyra ever have sexual contact?  
  
Will: YES uh. . . I mean. . . none of your business! *glares at Max*  
  
Max: Your ill will increases my dark powers XD  
  
Kate: Will is sick?  
  
Max: Shut up and ask the question.  
  
Kate: When you think about Lyra, do you associate her name with things like 'Catnip', 'lover', and 'Wild African Buffalo'?  
  
Will: Catnip, no. Lover, yes. Wild African Buffalo, no.  
  
Max: Lyra associates YOU with a Wild African Buffalo.  
  
Will: Lyra talked about ME?!  
  
Kate: Uh huh!  
  
Will: *sniffle* I miss you, Lyra. . .  
  
Kate: *hands Will a tissue* Here, you can use this. I hate to see a man who's not Frodo cry.  
  
Will: Was that meant to be comforting?  
  
Max: Who knows.  
  
Will: Oh, nice spatula! *stares at Chester*  
  
Max: *glares at Will* Listen here omelette-boy, Chester is MINE! YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM! *hiss*  
  
Will: O.o  
  
Kate: *blink* AHAH! YOU BOTH COOK!  
  
Max: What, it took you this long to figure that out? D'oh, I mean, uh. . . I don't cook! Chester is just for hitting people! See? *whacks Kate with his spatula*  
  
Kate: Ouch! You made cupcakes once for that little girl when you were in first grade. Then you stuffed them down her shirt and made her cry. You were such a mean kid. *whacks Max with her microphone*  
  
Max: Ow! I did not!  
  
Will: There's nothing wrong with a boy knowing how to cook!  
  
Kate: Yeah Max, you'll be the envy of all the other guys when they're living on take out and you're dining on fine gourmet cooking and I'm raiding your refrigerator for your leftovers. . .   
  
Max: I DON'T COOK! YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY REFRIGERATOR!  
  
Kate: LOOK! IT'S BERNIE'S BIG BOOK OF PASTRIES! *points in random direction*  
  
Max: *eyes light up* WHERE?!  
  
Will: O.o  
  
*sobs* MAKE THE FACE GO AWAAAAY! T.T  
  
Max: I hate you *glares at Kate*  
  
Kate: Awww, I hate you too chef-boy ^_^ *hugs Max*  
  
Max: Are we going to do this every episode?  
  
Kate: Probably. Okay Will, this question comes from Murasaki-chan, who asks "Why is your head so big? Why IS your head so BIG!?"  
  
Will: M-my head isn't big! My head is perfectly normal! You're all just jealous of my perfectly normal sized head! . . . do you really think my head is big?  
  
Max: Yes.  
  
Will: . . .   
  
Kate: Aww, would you look at that. our time is up.  
  
Will: WAIT! Can you two really talk to Lyra?  
  
Max: She was just in here last episode.  
  
Kate: So, yeah.  
  
Will: Please let me see Lyra! I have to see her!  
  
Kate/Max: *look at each other*  
  
Kate: *throws her arms up in the air* SUPER EPISODE!  
  
Max: BOOYAH!  
  
Will: Is that a yes?  
  
Kate: Sure. . . after about 7 more episodes or so.  
  
Will: But I want to see Lyra now! PLEASE! I must see Lyra!  
  
Kate: Maybe you will, some day ^_^  
  
Max: Later, dude. *random people drag Will away*  
  
Will: I WANNA SEE LYRA!  
  
Max: That's all the time we have for now!  
  
Kate: Next episode's guest is Pantalaimon!  
  
Max: So remember to review and send in your questions for Pan, *evil grin* or else Chester will be veeeery busy. . .   
  
*Random lighning flash*  
  
Max: KATE! Stop playing with the light switch!  
  
Kate: Aww phooey.   
  
  
=================  
  
A/N: Super episode! Super episode! Hopefully we'll have one of those one day ^_^ Send in questions for Pantalaimon! 


	4. Panta Pantalai Hi Pan!

Chapter 4  
Panta. . . Pantalai. . . Hi Pan!  
  
I have a sheep! Sheep! Sheep!  
His name is Joe! Joe! Joe!  
He cuts my lawn! Lawn! Lawn!  
That much I know! Know! Know!  
  
  
Kate: Welcome to the Sharpie Show!   
  
Max: Today we have a very special guest.  
  
Kate: And this time he's not just saying that, because this guest isn't even human!  
  
*Random people herd a pine martin onto the stage*  
  
Pine martin: Don't touch me!  
  
Kate: Please welcome Pantalaimon!  
  
Max: You're saying it wrong.  
  
Kate: Saying what wrong?  
  
Max: Pantalaimon.  
  
Kate: Isn't that what I said?  
  
Max: No, you're pronouncing it 'Pan-tal-uh-mon'. It's supposed to be 'Pan-tuh-ly-mon'.  
  
Kate: Really? I thought it was Pan-tal-uh-mon.  
  
Max: No, it's Pan-tuh-ly-mon.  
  
Kate: What about Pan-tuh-lee-mon?  
  
Max: Or maybe Pan-tuh-lay-mon. . .  
  
Both: . . . Hi Pan!  
  
Pan: Uh. . . where am I? Where is Lyra?  
  
Kate: You're on the Sharpie Show! And we interviewed Lyra already.  
  
Pan: Lyra warned me about you!  
  
Max: I'm not surprised.  
  
Kate: Ulita the Devine Authores asks "Are you, by any chance, related to Bill Clinton?"  
  
Pan: Er. . . not that I know of.  
  
Kate: Hah! Told you! Pay up!  
  
Max: Spoot. *hands Kate five bucks*  
  
Kate: *counts money* Ha ha! Now I can buy that Saruman-of-the-girly-hands key chain!  
  
Max: -.- my hard earned cash is going to buy your ninth Lord of the Rings key chain?  
  
Kate: What are you talking about? This wasn't hard earned, you stole it from your little brother. I should actually give it back to him.  
  
Max: Do you know how hard it is to rip off my sibling?  
  
Kate: Especially when that sibling is so much smarter than you.  
  
Max: HEY!  
  
Pan: O.o now I know why Lyra wouldn't stop shaking when she came back from this awful place. . .  
  
Kate: Oh stop exaggerating.  
  
Max: You only say that because it`s true. Morpherkidvb asks "Now why the heck did you have to turn into the stupid ferret?"  
  
Pan: I'm not a ferret! I'm a pine martin!  
  
Kate: You're a WEASEL! *points and laughs*  
  
Pan: No I'm not! I'm a PINE MARTIN!  
  
Max: Who cares? Answer the question.  
  
Pan: I can't really control what I turn into. . . I am the physical embodiment of Lyra's soul, after all.  
  
Kate: So Lyra's soul is a weasel?  
  
Pan: Yes. . . I mean NO!  
  
Kate: *giggles* Weasel weasel weasel. . .  
  
Pan: *looks at Kate* You're as stupid as Lyra told me.  
  
Kate: I'm not stupid! I'm VERY smart! *raspberries Pan* Thbbbt!  
  
Pan: *raspberries Kate* Thbbbt!  
  
Kate: THBBBBT!  
  
Pan: THBBBT!  
  
Kate: TH-  
  
Max: STOPPIT! You're getting me wet!  
  
Kate: Sorry dude *tosses Max a towel* As of now the Trash Can is a no-spitting zone. The Pickle of Life asks "Have you ever had the suspicion that the Communists were really behind the whole Oblation Board thingy? And do you like Buttered Toast?"  
  
Pan: I'm not sure I know what a communist is, but I do like buttered toast. . .  
  
Max/Kate: Mmmmm, buttered toast!  
  
*loud growling*  
  
Pan: O.O What was that?  
  
Kate: That question got me hungry.  
  
Max: Me too.  
  
Kate: Okay, um. . . cut to commercial!  
  
==========  
COMMERCIAL  
==========  
  
Max: Do you like jumping from high places without a parachute? Are you scared a Mafia hit man is after you? Is your co-host just a pain in the ass with a weapon?  
  
Kate: *off screen* WHY YOU LITTLE. . .  
  
Max: Then IMMORTALITY SPRAY is the product for you! One spray and you're good to go! Gulp down a bottle of window cleaner, jump off your next door neighbors roof, go swimming with cement shoes, it doesn't matter! You're immortal! AND it comes with a lifetime guarantee! WOW!  
  
*cut to close up of Immortality Spray*  
  
Max: Immortality Spray! Steal it from Hikaness today!  
  
==========  
END COMMERCIAL  
==========  
  
Kate: Hi everyone! Welcome back to the Sharpie Show!  
  
Max: If you weren't with us already or just have a really bad memory, our guest today is Panta. . . Pantalai. . . Lyra's daemon!  
  
Pan: Um. . . my name is pronounced Pan -   
  
*Pan's voice is cut off by the sound of a truck driving by*  
  
Kate: Say that again?  
  
Pan: My name is Pan -  
  
*Pan is cut off by loud hammering in the background*  
  
Max: WHO IS HAMMERING!?  
  
Pan: PAN-  
  
*Pan is cut off by the sound of cows outside mooing*  
  
Max: ARGH! I TOLD you we shouldn't have taken the trash can outside the dairy farm!  
  
Kate: But I LIKE cows!  
  
Pan: . . . do I really have to say it?  
  
Kate: Nah, don't bother. You know how the laws of Comedic timing work.  
  
Pan: Actually, no I don't.  
  
Max: Oh well, who cares. AngelFade says "Ask Pan if he knows what my daemon is."  
  
Pan: I don't know, I'm not really able to determine what a persons daemon is. *thinking* These two probably have very stupid ones. . .  
  
Max: AF also says "Then grind his ego into the dirt. Then give him a gift. Then grind his ego into the dirt again." May I?  
  
Kate: You would anyway.  
  
Max: *points at Pan and laughs* HAHA! You stupid daemon! You're as dumb as your name is hard to pronounce!  
  
Pan: What?! Maybe my name's only hard to pronounce because YOU'RE stupid!  
  
Kate: Aww, don't feel bad. Here, have a cookie! *hands Pan a cookie*  
  
Pan: Thank you.  
  
Max: You're still dumb. And your name IS hard to pronounce.  
  
Pan: ¬_¬  
  
Kate: Lemonhead! wants you to do a cheer for us!  
  
Pan: Um. . . why?  
  
Kate: Don't ask. *hands Pan the paper with the cheer on it*  
  
Pan: Alright. . . *very unenthusiastically* Bananas unite. Bananas split. Go Bananas. Go Bananas. Bananas to the left. Bananas to the right. Peel your banana and *mm* take a bite. Go Bananas. Go Bananas. Whoo.  
  
Kate: GO BANANAS! YIPPEEEE! ^_^  
  
Max: Does this cheer remind you of anything?  
  
Pan: Um. . . how about bananas?  
  
Kate: Mmm. . .banana splits. . . yummy ice cream. . .  
  
Max: Darnit, now I'm hungry again!  
  
Kate: That's all the time we have for now. Max and I have to get a snack. . .again. . . but be sure to send in questions for our next guest, Kirjava!  
  
Pan: KIRJAVA'S COMING!? I MUST SEE KIRJAVA!  
  
Max: I'm really getting tired of them wailing about how they "must see so-and-so".  
  
Kate: It'll probably stop after we finish interviewing Kirjava. How much money you got?  
  
Max: You took it all.  
  
Kate: Oh. Whatever. Let's go to Haagen Dazs.  
  
============  
  
A/N: Uh. . . I can't pronounce Pan's name ^^;;; send in questions for Kirjava! 


	5. Kirjavajavajava!

Chapter 5:  
Kir-java-java-java!  
  
Max: Welcome back to the Sharpie Show!  
  
Kate: Our guest today is that mysterious daemon we know virtually nothing about, Kirjava!  
  
*random people herd Kirjava on stage*  
  
Kirjava: DON'T TOUCH ME!  
  
Max: *eyeroll* Daemons. So protective of their personal space.  
  
Kate: *staring at Kirjava* Your fur is pwetty *-* All black 'n shiney.  
  
Kirjava: *preening* Why thank you!  
  
Kate: *to Max* Oh by the way, before I forget to tell you, Hika is pissed because you stole her immortality spray. *smirks*  
  
Max: Uh. . . I WAS FRAMED!  
  
Kate: Nice try. You're busted. *laughs*  
  
Max: uh. . .   
  
Kirjava: Where am I?! Who are you?  
  
Kate: Wow, it's a record! No one's ever waited that long to ask where they were ^_^ Kirjava is special!  
  
Kirjava: How do you know my name? How can you see me?  
  
Max: We see all kinds of things normal people don't see.  
  
Kate: Like the pink flying hippopotomus that everyone says doesn't exist but really lives in my attic and stomps around on the roof at 2 in the morning when I'm trying to sleep! I see HIM!  
  
Max: I thought he was purple.  
  
Kate: No, he's definitely pink.  
  
Max: Hmm. He looked purple when you showed him to me.  
  
Kate: He went swimming in grape juice that day.]  
  
Max: *nods* That explains it!  
  
Kirjava: O.O Is this the Sharpie Show?  
  
Max/Kate: Yes!  
  
Kirjava: NOOOOOO! Will warned me about you!  
  
Max: Word sure gets around fast between people and their daemons.  
  
Kate: I want a daemon! *sob* And hobbit feet! And elf ears! And a green Sebring convertible and Elijah Wood and. . .  
  
Max: Be quiet. First question is from AngelFade, who says "Ask Kirjava 'are you a girl?' (my brother asked that) and I ask 'Why is your fur so subtle???? WHY CAN'T I SEE IT?!?!?! I HATE YOU!!!! Here, have a gift. *hands Kirjava a gift* YOU STUPID DAEMON!!!!!"  
  
Kirjava: O.O Well, yes, I AM female. Generally peoples daemons are their opposite sex, and my human, Will, is a boy. And I don't know why my fur is so subtle. I suppose Will and I are just a subtle person.  
  
Kate: *giggle* That sounded funny!  
  
Kirjava: You can't see it because people from our world don't know about daemons. And I hate you too. Thank you for the gift.  
  
Max: Open it!  
  
Kirjava: *opens the box* What is it?  
  
Kate: It's a lifetime supply of IMMORTALITY SPRAY!  
  
Kirjava: What would I want that for? I want to die and be with Pan in the Kingdom of Heaven.  
  
Audience: Awwwwwwww!  
  
Kate: Isn't that sweet?  
  
Max: *gags*  
  
Kate: *glares at Max* So Kirjava, what does your name mean anyway?  
  
Kirjava: I have no idea.  
  
Max: It sounds like some kind of coffee!  
  
Kate: O.o  
  
Kirjava: O.o  
  
Max: Well, you know. . . Java?  
  
Kate: *giggle* Kir-java-java-java. . . I like saying Java. . .  
  
Max: Almost as much as you like saying "spouse"?  
  
Kate: Yup, and "spiffy"! This next question is from Hikaness *waves* HI HIKA! who asks "If you died and became a ghost, who or what would you want to haunt?"  
  
Kirjava: I don't think daemons CAN become ghosts, but if I did, I'd like to haunt Pan and Lyra. . .  
  
Audience: Awwwwwwww!  
  
Kate: I'd like to haunt Frodo!  
  
Max: I'd like to haunt Ruta Skadi! Next question is from a_troubled_girl who wants to know "wat da hELL happened ALL dat time spent wit pan.....^.~" And don't you DARE start giggling! *mutters about stupid girls*  
  
Kirjava: *eyes light up* Oooh, THAT time! Such fond memories. . .  
  
Kate: Isn't that cute?  
  
Audience: Aa. . .   
  
Max: AND DON'T YOU START THAT AGAIN!  
  
Kate: Next question is from Odd World who asks "Do you like Austin Powers? Does his yucky teeth make you horny? Am I crazy?"  
  
Kirjava: Yes, I do like Austin Powers but no his yucky teeth do NOT make me horny. And yes, I do think you're crazy. YOU'RE ALL CRAZY!  
  
Max: All hail the crazy people!  
  
Kate: My daddy will tell you I'm crazy. . . my mommy will tell you I'm special ^_^  
  
Kirjava: Er. . . lovely.  
  
Kate: Morpherkidvb asks "Do you ever get bored of Will? I mean, according to 90% of the fics, he's gotten all boring and depressing. So can you just, like, leave him and find another human?   
And do you ever get tired of never having a part in any fanfics (mostly mine?)?"  
  
Kirjava: Well I can't really leave Will because technically he and I are the same being. So no matter how boring and depressed he gets, I'm stuck with him for life.  
  
Max: That's depressing.  
  
Kirjava: And yes, I do get tired of never being written about . . . *sniff* I feel so . . . so. . . UNIMPORTANT! *sobs*  
  
Kate: Awww, there there! *hands Kirjava a cookie* I think you're important!  
  
Kirjava: Really?  
  
Max: No, she's just saying that to get you to stop wailing.  
  
Kate: I am not!  
  
Max: Well I would. Barannilwen asks "Are you in love with Pan." oh is that a dumb question...fine..  
"Are you in love with Will? Jealous of Lyra." "ever have fantasies of killing Lyra so you can have Will to yourself?"  
  
Kirjava: *sparkly eyes* Paaaan. . .  
  
Kate: Hey look! She looks like I do whenever I'm thinking about 'Lijah! *sparkly eyes* 'Liijaaaah. . .  
  
Max: Must. . . not. . . puke. . .  
  
Kirjava: O.o And even if I WAS in love with Will (which I'm not, because it would be a bit strange to be in love with myself), I couldn't kill Lyra without killing Pan, who I love. . .  
  
Max: Give me a few seconds to control my gag reflex, please.  
  
Kate: *whacks Max with her microphone* MinnowBrookSkittles asks "Have you, at any time or in any place, ever jumped off a waterfall and fallen on one of my other personalities? Because some weird, subtle cat did and she didn't like it. No I didn't. Oh, and please ask her: Is a person that has a daemon of the same sex gay/lesbian? Or just weird? (Sorry if this is offensive or crude....I just always wanted to know.) And, since I am a maniacal tripolar plagiarist, Can you pleeeease ask Kirjava whether or not I have a raccoon for a daemon? Because I'm convinced I do."  
  
Kirjava: I did fall off a waterfall once and onto someone. . . they didn't seem to like it very much either. And I've never met a person with a daemon of the same sex, so I wouldn't know. Maybe they are just weird. And. . . if you believe your daemon is a raccoon, I guess it is. . .  
  
Kate: I want a daemon!  
  
Max: Yes, we know.  
  
Kate: Well that's all the time (and questions) we have right now.  
  
Max: Our next guests are Lord Asriel and Stelmaria, who we are interviewing together because Stelmaria is a bit character.  
  
Kate: And she can't be separated from Lord Asriel like Pan and Lyra and Will and Kirjava can.  
  
Kirjava: I suppose it would be out of line to ask if I could see Pan?  
  
Max: Yes it would.  
  
Kate: Wait until the SUPER EPISODE.  
  
*random people herd Kirjava out of the room*  
  
Kate: See? No yelling ^_^  
  
Max: Thank Dust.  
  
Kate: Thank the Urple Cheese Llamas.  
  
=============  
A/N: That was fun! ^_^ I like Kirjava! She spiffay! Send in questions for Lord Asriel and Stelmaria. I'm trying to get the main characters on the show in more-or-less an in order of appearance type thing. Except in the case of Will and Kirjava. Anyway, next we get to bug Lord Asriel! ^_^ 


	6. Lord Asriel and the Pink Hippopotamuses ...

Chapter 6  
Lord Asriel and the Pink Hippopotamuses of DOOMIENESS!!!  
  
I have a sheep! Sheep! Sheep!  
His name is Joe! Joe! Joe!  
He cuts my lawn! Lawn! Lawn!  
That much I know! Know! Know!  
  
  
Kate: Welcome to the Sharpie Show!  
  
Max: Today is a very special episode.  
  
Kate: Because we have a guest host today! Say hello to the pink flying hippopotamus who lives in my attic! *points to an empty chair*  
  
Max: Hello Mr. Hippo! So what did YOU do today?  
  
Empty chair: . . .  
  
Kate: WOW! You do fun stuff, Mr. Hippo!  
  
Max: Fascinating! Now please welcome our guests for the day, Lord Asriel and Stelmaria!  
  
*Lord Asriel and Stelmaria materialize in another empty chair*  
  
Lord Asriel: AAAAAA. . . what? I'm not falling! I'm ALIVE! Stelmaria?! What are you doing here?  
  
Stelmaria: That's what I'd like to know . . . we're supposed to be dead!  
  
Lord Asriel: I'm supposed to be falling with Marisa and Metatron. . . what is this place?  
  
Kate: HIYAA!  
  
Lord Asriel: *jumps* Where am I? Who are YOU?  
  
Max: You're on the Sharpie Show! You've been. . .  
  
Both: *in wierd mad-scientist type voices* TEMPORARILY RE-ANIMATED!  
  
Lord Asriel/Stelmaria: *blink*  
  
Lord Asriel: Dare I ask why?  
  
Kate: So that we can ask you a bunch of questions! I'm Kate.  
  
Max: And I'm Max. And this is our guest host, the pink flying hippopotamus! *points at empty chair*  
  
Empty Chair: . . .  
  
Max: You're so right, Mr. Hippo!  
  
Lord Asriel: But there's nothing there!  
  
Kate: What are you talking about? He's right in front of you! He's doing a tap dance on his chair!  
  
Max: It's a very strong chair.  
  
Empty Chair: . . .  
  
Kate: Awww, now you've hurt his feelings!  
  
Max: Say you're sorry!  
  
Lord Asriel: I will NOT say I am sorry to an empty chair merely for the amusement of idiot children! Do you have any idea who I am?  
  
Max: Yes, we do. You're a dead guy who, if not for us, would still be falling, daemonless, down an endless chasm with a bad angel and an evil (yet sexy) lady.  
  
Lord Asriel: . . . point taken. Sorry Mr. Hippo. *mutters* stupid kids. . .  
  
Kate: Mr. Hippo likes you ^_^ our first question is from Krazy Kitty, who is our most loyal fan! Hooraay!  
  
Max: KK has good taste.  
  
Kate: Krazy Kitty asks Stelmaria "what does a snow leopard look like? you are a snow leopard, right? if not, what _do_ you look like?"  
  
Stelmaria: Well isn't it obvious? I look like a leopard, but lighter colored so as to blend into the snow.  
  
Kate: You're almost as pretty as Kirjava ^_^  
  
Max: You're almost as pretty as Ruta Skadi *drool*.  
  
Stelmaria: Thank you. . . I think.  
  
Kate: KK also requests that we kill Lord Asriel.  
  
Lord Asriel: WHAT?!  
  
Kate: Then she requests that we bring you back to life.  
  
Lord Asriel: *relieved sigh*  
  
Kate: And through it all, she requests that we do not kill Stelmaria.  
  
Lord Asriel: Impossible! No daemon can survive when their human is dead, and no human can be brought back to life.  
  
Kate: We brought YOU back to life, didn't we?  
  
Lord Asriel: . . .oh. Yes, you did.  
  
Max: Besides, ANYTHING can happen on the Sharpie Show. And I have just the stuff for the job. *rummages around behind chair and comes up with a spray bottle*  
  
Kate: IMMORTALITY SPRAY!  
  
Lord Asriel/Stelmaria: IMMORTALITY SPRAY?!  
  
Max: Not quite! This is special EXTENDED MORTALITY SPRAY! It's like IMMORTALITY SPRAY. . . only less.  
  
Lord Asriel: Er. . . could I perhaps see some of that IMMORTALITY SPRAY?  
  
Kate: Oh no you don't!  
  
Max: We know EXACTLY what you'll do with it!  
  
Kate: And you're STILL supposed to be dead.  
  
Lord Asriel: *mutters dark things*  
  
Max: *sprays Lord Asriel and Stelmaria with EXTENDED MORTALITY SPRAY* Makes for one good rezz. *whacks Lord Asriel with his spatula*  
  
Lord Asriel: *dies. . . again*  
  
Stelmaria: *blink*  
  
Max: Cool! It actually worked!  
  
Lord Asriel: *rezzes* AAUGH! @_@  
  
Kate: Fun, isn't it?  
  
Lord Asriel: no.  
  
Max: Morpherkidvb asks Lord Asriel "Are you related to Severus Snape of Harry Potter?"  
  
Lord Asriel: Who of what?  
  
Kate: HARRYPOTTERHARRYPOTTERHARRYPOTTER! ^_^  
  
Stelmaria: . . . what?  
  
Kate: Morpherkidvb asks Stelmaria "your name means something about stars, so I'll ask you- what is the meaning of life if you are a chicken with huge pimples on his butt?"  
  
Stelmaria: That's an easy one! The meaning of life is to DESTROY THE AUTHORITY!  
  
Lord Asriel/Stelmaria: MUAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Kate: OOH! Good evil laugh!  
  
Lord Asriel/Stelmaria: Thank you, Thank you! *bow*  
  
Empty Chair: . . .  
  
Kate: Mr. Hippo makes a valid point! What's your answer? *looks at Lord Asriel*  
  
Lord Asriel: O.o there's no one. . .  
  
Max/Kate: *growl and stick their spatula/microphone in Lord Asriel's face*  
  
Lord Asriel: O.O Uh. . . the answer is. . . three hundred and seventy five?  
  
Kate: I never would have thought that!  
  
Max: What an interesting answer! Lily asks Lord Asriel "Are you related to Lord   
Voldemort?"  
  
Lord Asriel: AAAAUGH! DON'T SAY THE NAME!  
  
Kate: *blink* You know who he is?  
  
Lord Asriel: No, but the name creeps me out. *shiver*  
  
Max: O.o oookaay. . .  
  
Kate: Lily asks Stelmaria "Didja eva love somebody so much it makes you cry?"  
  
Max: And your little fling with . . . whatever that gold monkey's name was doesn't count!  
  
Stelmaria: Hah! I'm too high and mighty to love someone that much!  
  
Kate: You and your human over there sacrificed yourself for Lyra.  
  
Stelmaria: . . . oh.  
  
Empty Chair: . . .  
  
Kate: Yes, you're right Mr. Hippo! Love IS the most important thing in the world! ^_^  
  
Max: *turns around and pukes behind his chair*  
  
Kate: ¬.¬  
  
Hika: *randomly pops up* Hee hee! You look like 'Keru! *randomly dissapears*  
  
Everyone: O.O  
  
Max: That was random.  
  
Kate: So are the urple cheese llamas ^_^  
  
Max: Not anymore they're not.  
  
Kate: What about the snazzy fish in color changing toe socks?  
  
Max: Those are still random.  
  
Kate: Good ^_^  
  
Lord Asriel: Excuse me!  
  
Max: WHADDAYA WANT?!  
  
Lord Asriel/Stelmaria: O.o we wanted to know if we could go now. . .  
  
Kate: Oh, why would you want to do that?  
  
Lord Asriel: Perhaps because you terrify me?  
  
Kate: That works.  
  
Max: Don't you wanna stick around for our next guest?  
  
Lord Asriel: Depends on who it is.  
  
Kate: *giggle* Whoitis wears diapers?  
  
*crickets chirp*  
  
Max: . . . that was just stupid.  
  
Kate: SUE!  
  
Max: AAAUGH! *whacks Kate with his Spatula*  
  
Kate: *dies*  
  
Max: Hmph. Now as I was saying. . .  
  
Lord Asriel: O.O but. . . but. . . that girl is DEAD!  
  
Stelmaria: YES!  
  
Kate: *rezzes* You'd all just love that, wouldn't you?  
  
Max: ACK!  
  
Kate: *raspberries Max* You're not the only one with Immortality Spray. And *I* didn't have to steal mine!  
  
Max: -.- May I announce our next guest NOW please?  
  
Kate: Yes. Mr. Hippo wants to know too.  
  
Max: Our next guest is Marisa Coulter and her daemon. . . whatever it's name is. . .  
  
Lord Asriel/Stelmaria: AAAAUGH! *run away in horror and vaporize once they leave the trash can*  
  
Max/Kate: *blink*  
  
Empty Chair: . . . .  
  
Kate: Yes, Mr. Hippo. They ARE strange.  
  
=======  
A/N Wow O.o that didn't take very long. . . I'm gonna hafta start setting up dates to put up new chapters of the Show. . . Oh well ^_^ Next episode we question Mrs. Coulter! 


	7. Mrs Coulter and whatshisname

Chapter 7  
Mrs. Coulter and. . . whatshisname  
  
I have a sheep! Sheep! Sheep!  
His name is Joe! Joe! Joe!  
He cuts my lawn! Lawn! Lawn!  
That much I know! Know! Know!  
  
  
Max: Welcome to the Sharpie Show!  
  
Kate: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. . .  
  
Max: Excuse her. She's overly excited because the Fellowship of the Ring finally came out on video.  
  
Kate: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. . .  
  
Max: If you ask me, they could've waited at least another month -.-  
  
Kate: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. . .  
  
Max: Before my head explodes, please welcome our guests for the day, Mrs. Coulter and . . . uh. . . what'shisname!  
  
Kate:EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Okay, I'm done!  
  
Max: O.O You are?  
  
Kate: Well I wanna ask Mrs. Coulter questions too!  
  
*Mrs. Coulter and her Daemon materialize*  
  
Mrs. Coulter: AAAAAA. . . Hey! I'm not falling! I'm alive!  
  
Kate: Funny, that was what Lord Asriel said.  
  
Mrs. Coulter: Asriel was here. . . O.O Is this . . .  
  
Max: The Sharpie Show?  
  
Kate: The show where we kidnap random His Dark Materials characters and force them to answer our questions?  
  
Max: Where our last guest was Lord Asriel and Stelmaria?  
  
Kate: Yes indeedy it is.  
  
Mrs. Coulter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!  
  
Max: MY EARS!  
  
Kate: First question is from me!  
  
Max: You?  
  
Kate: Sure, why not? Okay golden monkey thing. . . what is your name?  
  
Monkey: . . . uh. . . I don't know. . . do you have any small animals I could tear the limbs off of?  
  
Max: o.O That's just nasty.  
  
Kate: May I name you?  
  
Monkey: I suppose so.  
  
Kate: Okay then! Your name is. . . Thurston!  
  
Monkey: O.O No, you may NOT name me!  
  
Max: Too late. . . Thurston. . .*snickers* next question is from a_troubled_girl who asks Thurston . . .  
  
Monkey: MY NAME IS NOT THURSTON!  
  
Max: *glare* Who asks Thurston "how did a golden monkey get attracted to a snow leopard [stelmaria]?"  
  
Monkey: She's a sexy snow leopard. What can I say?  
  
Kate/Max: *blink* Ewwww!  
  
Kate: *reading a_troubled_girl's question* Hee hee! Mr. Psy-cho-lo-gist is your friend too? I like Mr. Psy-cho-lo-gist! He asks me lots of questions and I make my chair fall over and he makes a funny groaning noise and takes some pills from the little bottle on his desk! Then the nice young men in white coats come and take me to the happy place where I can run into the walls and it doesn't hurt!! NEHAHAHAHA!  
  
Max: Have you ever noticed what an interesting noise those men make when you kick them in the crotch?  
  
Kate: Never tried that.  
  
Max: You should.  
  
Kate: I think I will.  
  
Mrs. Coulter/Monkey: O.o No wonder Asriel was glad to return.  
  
Kate: Manda Falcon asks Mrs. Coulter "Why isn't your name Bob?"  
  
Mrs. Coulter: My parents didn't think it suited me.  
  
Kate: Why?  
  
Mrs. Coulter: Oh, perhaps because I'm FEMALE?!  
  
Max: *sarcasm* REALLY?! We didn't notice! Manda Falcon also asks Thurston. . .  
  
Monkey: MY NAME IS NOT THURSTON!  
  
Max: "Why isn't your name Fred?"  
  
Kate: OOOH! I KNOW! I KNOW! Because his name is THURSTON!  
  
Monkey: -.- Do you actually TRY to be stupid?  
  
Kate: Naw, it just comes natural ^_^ Hikaness asks "Mrs. Coulter... did you know that there's a Swiffer Sweeper behind you right now? It's going to attack you."  
  
Mrs. Coulter: AAAUGH! NOT THE SWIFFER SWEEPER! WHERE?!  
  
Max: You know what a Swiffer Sweeper is?  
  
Mrs. Coulter: *freezes, mid jump* Actually, no. I don't. *sits down and tries to look dignified*  
  
Max: tigress247 says "Ask the golden monkey why isnt he a purple monkey instead."*grumble* Why do I always have to ask Thurston the questions?  
  
Monkey: If I were purple I'd just look silly. And my name is NOT Thurston!  
  
Kate: Morpherkidvb asks Mrs. Coulter "Have you ever had the urge?"  
  
Mrs. Coulter: The urge to what?  
  
Max: *sings* SHE'S GOT THE URGE!  
  
Kate: THE URGE TO HERBAL!  
  
Max: Morpherkidvb asks Thurston. . . Kate, are you rigging this?  
  
Kate: Who, me? *glowing halo appears over head*  
  
Max: Oh yeah, THAT'S believable.  
  
Kate: *halo sizzles and goes out*  
  
Max: Anyway Morpherkidvb asks Thurston "Have you every thought your human is a complete git? Because something tells me she could be stupid sometimes if she really wanted to..."  
  
Monkey: Of course not! Marisa and I are one entity, and if she's a complete git, so am I!  
  
Kate: *giggles*  
  
Max: THAT explains a lot. *smirks*  
  
Monkey: . . . yes I do. And my name is NOT Thurston! Dude, I REALLY need to torture a small, defenseless animal!  
  
Kate: *gasp* FOR SHAME, THURSTON!  
  
Max: Do yourself a favor and join Small Defenseless Animal Torturers Anonymous!  
  
Kate: *sounding acronym out very slowly* Sssddata? Sdata. SDATA! ^_^  
  
Max: -.-  
  
Kate: Georgia_Ginger asks Mrs. Coulter "What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?"  
  
Mrs. Coulter: then. . . I would fanatically support it until the day I died, and use it as my excuse to kill and torture hapless innocent bystanders! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Kate: O.O  
  
Max: Yes. We're sure you would. *pats Mrs. Coulter*  
  
Mrs. Coulter: Nehahahaha. . .   
  
Max: Georgia_Ginger also wants to see Thurston doing the macarena wearing a skirt made of. . . fig leaves. . .O.O *starts talking really fast* Unfortunately-we-don't-have-any-fig-leaves-yes-sir-ee-no-fig-leaves-here-not-at-all. . .  
  
Kate: What are you talking about? This is where you left YOUR fig leaves after you ran around the neighborhood wearing nothing but that skirt that Halloween when you ate all your candy in one night and drank seven bottles of Mountain Dew.  
  
Max: O.O You KNOW ABOUT THAT?!  
  
Kate: I have pictures! *holds up handful of very embarrassing pictures of Max wearing nothing but a fig leaf skirt, running around and screaming at the top of his lungs with chocolate smeared all over his face*  
  
Max: WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE?! *dives at Kate*  
  
Kate: *holds pictures out of reach* Lizz lent them to me! ^_^  
  
Lizz: *randomly appears* I have embarrassing pictures of EVERYONE! *grabs pictures and dissapears*  
  
Mrs. Coulter/Monkey: O.O Who was THAT?  
  
Kate: That was my best friend Lizz! ^_^  
  
Max: *glares at Kate and plots revenge*  
  
Kate: Aaanyway. . . *produces fig leaf skirt out of nowhere*  
  
Max: *screams and falls off of chair*  
  
Kate: *ties the fig skirt around the Monkey's waist, much to his chagrin* Dance, Thurston!  
  
Monkey: . . . What is the Macarena?  
  
Kate: -.- I guess that's not going to work. Phooey. *takes skirt back and hides it*  
  
Max: *sits on chair again* Kat097 asks "Why didn't you let Lyra keep her bag? All she wanted was the little white shoulder bag. It could have been useful. why are you so cruel to poor widdle Lyra? *bursts nto tear* WHY? OH GOD WHY?????  
  
Mrs. Coulter: The bag didn't go with her outfit.  
  
Kate: Who cares?  
  
Mrs. Coulter: *affected by OOC* And, like, coordinating outfits are, like, soooo important! I, like, only wanted Lyra to look good!  
  
Kate/Max: AAAAAAAAAAAUGH! EVIL PREP COULTER LADY! *whack Mrs. Coulter with their microphone/spatula*  
  
Mrs. Coulter: Thank you, I needed that.  
  
Kate: Kat097 also asks "can I have a cookie?"  
  
Mrs. Coulter: I don't have any cookies.  
  
Kate: I DO! *holds out tray of cookies* COOKIES ARE SPIFFY!  
  
Max: Sweet! *stuffs mouth full of cookies*  
  
Kate: ^_^ *ditto, throws one to Kat097*  
  
Mrs. Coulter: Can I have one?  
  
Kate: No.  
  
Mrs. Coulter: Why not!?  
  
Kate: You were all mean to Lyra!  
  
Max: *sticks out tongue, covered with chewed up cookie*  
  
Mrs. Coulter: O.O Disgusting! *covers mouth and runs out of trashcan with Thurston, where she vaporizes*  
  
Max:*blink*  
  
Kate: Aww, you did it again!  
  
Max: I guess that's our show for today.  
  
Kate: Our next guest is Lee Scoresby! BALLOON MAN! ^_^ And his daemon Hester, of course!  
  
Max: *imitates Kate* I had a balloon once. . .*giggle* but then it popped. . .and I was all sad. . . so I killed Max!  
  
Kate: I did not! I only severely maimed you! And besides, YOU popped it!  
  
===============  
  
A/N: THURSTON!!! XD  
Send in questions for Lee and Hester, who are mighty spiffy, I shall add! ^_^ 


	8. Balloon Man!

Chapter 8  
  
Balloon Man!  
  
I have a sheep! Sheep! Sheep!  
His name is Joe! Joe! Joe!  
He cuts my lawn! Lawn! Lawn!  
That much I know! Know! Know!  
  
Kate: Welcome to the Sharpie Show!  
  
Max: Today we have a special guest and. . . um. . . Kate, why are you wearing chaps and a ten gallon hat?  
  
Kate: ^_^ It's in honor of todays guests, Texan natives Lee Scoresby and Hester!  
  
Max: You look stupid.  
  
Kate: Ah, what do you know, fig leaf boy.  
  
Max: *twitch*  
  
*Lee and Hester materialize*  
  
Lee: *blink* What am I doing here?  
  
Kate: BALLOON MAN! BALLOON MAN! HIYA LEE!*pulls off hat and waves it at Lee*  
  
Lee: Nice hat!  
  
Kate: *raspberries Max* See? LEE likes my hat!  
  
Max: -.-  
  
Lee: Wait. . . who are you? How did we get here?  
  
Kate: I'm Kate! And this is Max. He has no taste.  
  
Max: -.-  
  
Lee: Howdy, ma'am.  
  
Kate: *giggles* He said howdy. . .   
  
Max: And you've been TEMPORARILY RE-ANIMATED! BWAHAHAHA! XD  
  
Lee: O.o Why?  
  
Kate: So that we can ask you questions! This is. . .  
  
Kate/Max: THE SHARPIE SHOW!  
  
Max: The show where we kidnap and/or temporarily re-animate His Dark Materials characters and force them to answer our questions!  
  
Lee: . . . does that hurt?  
  
Max: *evil grin* Only if you're uncooperative. . . *fingers his spatula*  
  
Kate: *whacks Max with her microphone* Quit going evil on us and ask Lee a question.  
  
Max: Ow! Lizz asks. . .  
  
Kate: *waves* HI LIZZ! ^_^  
  
Max: Why am I always getting interrupted?! WHY!?  
  
Kate: Shut up and ask the question.  
  
Max: *glare* Lizz asks Lee "how many moos could a moo cow moo if a moo cow could moo moos?"  
  
Lee: The answer is 34!  
  
Kate: Wow!  
  
Max: I never would have guessed it!  
  
Kate: Morpherkidvb asks Lee "Do you think it was unfair that Max had to ask all the 'Thurston(?!?)' questions? Are you going to start a defense league like ITIUTMHTAATTQ? I think it's unfair that Max had to ask all the Thurston questions? Well I don't! I think he got what he deserved, running around in fig leaves, scaring small children... "  
  
Max: AAAAAUGH! *falls off his chair*  
  
Lee: Who is Thurston? And who had fig leaves?  
  
Kate: *giggles* Max once ran around my neighborhood on Halloween wearing nothing but a skirt of fig leaves after he ate all his candy and a bunch of Mountain Dew! Lizz gave me pictures! XD  
  
Max: *glare* I will have my revenge!  
  
Kate: I'm sure you will, fig-leaf boy.  
  
Max: Morpherkidvb asks Hester "Are you going to join ITIUTMHTAATTQ as well?"  
  
Hester: I might, if I knew who Thurston was.  
  
Kate: No you wounldn't! Thurston pulls the limbs off of small animals for sadistic pleasure!  
  
Hester: O.o  
  
Kate: A_troubled_girl asks Lee "didn't u feel betrayed when Grumman left u alone so dat u could fight da army by yourself n den u died? *dat waz SO sad!*"  
  
Lee: Well, I did kinda tell him to go. . . but YES! *sniffle*  
  
Kate: Awww! *gives Lee a cookie*  
  
Lee: Yum! *eats cookie*  
  
Max: Skyechan asks. . . O.o Uh. . . Kate, YOU ask this question.  
  
Kate: No way, it's YOUR turn! ^_^  
  
Max: . . . Skyechan asks Lee "*_* Lee... *glomps Lee* Didja know you're my favorite character? XD What's it like to die? I was saaaaaaaaaaaaad when you died cause you're so cool. *_* Do like cheeeeeeeeeeeeeese? I like cheeeeeeeeeeeeese! *continues to hang off Lee*"  
  
Kate: Hee hee! I like you too! I was sad when you died! I was getting acupuncture when I read it. . .actually I was lying on the table all full of needles and I made my mom read to me, and she read that part and you died and I was all sad, but I was full of needles and acupuncture makes you all relaxed and stuff so I couldn't cry. . .  
  
Max: O.o yeah, we really needed to know that. . .  
  
Kate: Max doesn't like needles.  
  
Lee: Uh. . . I'm mighty flattered that you like me that much. And it's not very much fun to die. It hurt a lot.  
  
Max: Gee, you think? I thought getting shot multiple times was pleasent! *sarcasm meter explodes*  
  
Kate: Cheese is guuuuud ^_^  
  
Lee: Yes it is!  
  
Max: O.o   
  
Kate/Lee: Well, it is!  
  
Kate: AngelFade asks Lee "HIYA!!!!! Mr. Scoresby, are you from TEXAS??? "  
  
Lee: Yes. Yes I am.  
  
Kate: I LIKE TEXAS!! ^_^  
  
Max: You've never even BEEN to Texas.  
  
Kate: So? I still like it!  
  
Max: AngelFade asks Hester "I like bunnies. ^_^ My friend raises bunnies! Will you marry one of her bunnies?"  
  
Kate: Bunnies. . . hee hee hee. . .  
  
Hester: . . . No thank you, I'd rather not marry a rabbit. I am a daemon, and a hare at that.  
  
Kate: *giggle* Bunnies. . . Jehane Wizardborn asks Lee "Did you ever at any time consume an excess amount of tequila and become intoxicated and black out while buying a lifetime supply of chocolate pudding and wake up in bed between two unknowns with a splitting headache and then realize that your nether regions were covered in tabasco sauce? And if so... would you do it again?"  
  
Lee: Well I have consumed tequila. . . I've never bought a lifetime supply of chocolate pudding. . .  
  
Max: WHY NOT?!  
  
Lee: O.o . . .and I have woken up with a splitting headache, but never with my. . . nether regions covered in tabasco sauce.  
  
Kate: That sounds painful.  
  
Lee: But if that did happen. . . YOU BET I'D DO IT AGAIN!  
  
Kate: O.O  
  
Max: WOOHOO! XD  
  
Hester: . . .  
  
Max: Jehane Wizardborn asks Hester "What is the average air velocity of a sparrow carrying a coconut? And when you hear that question is the first image that pops into your head closest to a llama in neon orange boxer shorts, three sumo wrestlers having a pie-eating contest, or Lord Asriel dressing in drag and dancing the flemenco with Jennifer Lopez?"  
  
Hester: 17 miles per hour.  
  
Kate: really!?  
  
Hester: No, I just like the number 17.  
  
Kate: Nine is better.  
  
Hester: And no I do not think of llamas, sumo wrestlers eating pie, or a cross dressing Lord Asriel.  
  
Kate: *giggle* llamas. . .   
  
Max: What DO you think of, then?  
  
Hester: A creepy old man with long white hair and long, shiny nails and a glass ball.  
  
Kate: SARUMAN OF THE GIRLY HANDS! AAAAAAAAUGH! *falls off her chair*  
  
Max: This is a His Dark Materials 'fic! No Lord of the Rings references! *whacks Kate*  
  
Kate: Aww, you never let me have any fun! Fisbait aks Lee "Do you think your spiffy? Why do you hate killing people."  
  
Lee: I suppose I do think I'm spiffy. . . if that's a good thing. . .  
  
Kate: It is!  
  
Lee: But killing people isn't fun. . . those people have families and people who they love to go home too, and who am I to kill them and take that all away?  
  
Max: Oh gag me. tigress247 asks "ask Lee WHY, WHY in the name of the Authority did he have to die! *bursts into tears* it was sooo sad!"  
  
Kate: Yes, it was! *sobs*  
  
Lee: I had to die so that Grumman could get to Lyra! Otherwise she would have been in deep trouble and gotten hurt.  
  
Kate: tigress247 also asks "How can you be here if Iorek ate you? hmm?give hester a hug for me!"  
  
Lee: *hugs Hester* Well I. . . he WHAT?! O.O  
  
Max: Sure! That was a cool scene! After he found out you were dead, he ATE you!  
  
Lee: O.o  
  
Kate: Well. . . he only did it because it would be such a waste to just let you rot or let some other animal eat you. ..  
  
Lee: Oh, I feel so comforted.  
  
Max: Well whaddaya know. That's all the time we have.  
  
Kate: Awww, but I don't want Lee to go! I like him!  
  
Max: By now we usually don't have much of a choice.   
  
Lee: I could stay a bit longer. . .  
  
Max: O.o you mean you're not terrified out of your mind? You're not ready to run out of the trashcan, screaming in sheer terror?  
  
Lee: Why would I do that?  
  
Kate: SQUEEE! LEE LIKES US! ^_^  
  
Max: OH NO! WE'RE LOOSING OUR TOUCH! AAAAAAAUGH! *runs around in circles*  
  
Kate: *watches Max and gets dizzy* Uh. . . wanna go get some tabasco sauce and chocolate pudding?  
  
Lee: Sure.  
  
==========  
  
A/N: Uh. . . I'm gonna hafta start up a specific schedule to put up chapters. . . I don't like deadlines, so. . . no less than three days between each chapter or something. . . yeah. . . I LIKE LEE! ^_^  
Anyways, our next guest is Serafina Pekkala and Kaisa. WITCHYNESS! YAAAAAAY! 50th reviewer gets a cameo in the Super Episode. . . YAAAAY!  
And yes, I really have had acupuncture XD and it's not as painful as it sounds. And it's really kinda relaxing once all the needles are in. . . picture it! ME! Relaxed! *twilight zone music plays* 


	9. Serafina and the Cloud Pine Obsession!

Chapter 9  
Serafina and the Cloud Pine Obsession!  
  
I have a sheep! Sheep! Sheep!  
His name is Joe! Joe! Joe!  
He cuts my lawn! Lawn! Lawn!  
That much I know! Know! Know!  
  
Max: Hello and welcome to the Sharpie Show!  
  
Kate: WOOSH! *Runs around wearing a black cloak and waving a pine branch in Max's face*  
  
Max: WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?!  
  
Kate: Nooooo! ^_^ *runs around some more* I'M A WITCH! WATCH ME FLY!  
  
Max: You're not a witch, you're a b. . .  
  
Kate: *slaps hand over Max's mouth* Now now! No naughty words on the Sharpie Show!  
  
Max: *pushes hand away* No more than usual, you mean?  
  
Kate: *whacks Max with the pine branch.*  
  
Max: I assume you're behaving this way in honor of today's guest?  
  
Kate: Darn right I am! Please welcome Serafina Pekkala and Kaisa!  
  
*random people drag Serafina in and herd Kaisa after her*  
  
Serafina: Where are we?  
  
Kate: *waves her pine branch at Serafina* HI!!!  
  
Serafina: O.o who are you?  
  
Kate: I'm Kate!  
  
Max: I'm Max! You're probably both wondering why we've brought you here.  
  
Serafina/Kaisa: Yes, actually, we are.  
  
Kate: Well, this is the Sharpie Show.  
  
Max: The show where we kidnap random His Dark Materials characters and. . .  
  
Both: FORCE THEM TO ANSWER OUR QUESTIONS!  
  
Kate: YIPPEEE! *waves pine branch all over*  
  
Max: Your stick is shedding.  
  
Kate: It's not a stick! It's cloud pine and I'm gonna fly on it! *whacks Max*  
  
Max: ow! Yeah, I'd like to see you try!  
  
Kate: Fine then!  
  
Serafina: Er. . . child, that's not cloud. . .  
  
Kate: *jumps off the stage and onto the pine branch and. . . falls to the ground with a thud*  
  
Max: *peers over the edge of the stage* Hmm. . . I'm not sure your neck is supposed to twist that way.  
  
Serafina: Oh no! *starts to get off the stage*  
  
Max: Don't bother. She's only dead.  
  
Serafina: Only dead?! She needs help!  
  
Kate: *rezzes* HELLO!  
  
Serafina: O.O  
  
Kate: Immortality Spray! See, I'm fine!  
  
Max: No, she was right the first time. You DO need help.  
  
Kate: HEY! *throws pine branch at Max*  
  
Max: HAHA, I HAVE YOUR STUPID STICK!  
  
Kate: *blink* GIVE IT BACK!  
  
Max: Make me!  
  
Kate: Make me make you!  
  
Max: Make me make you make me!  
  
Kate: Make me make you make me make you!  
  
Max: Make me. .   
  
Serafina: STOP!  
  
Both: *blink*  
  
Serafina: As I seem to have no choice but to answer your questions, I would appreciate if you would get to answering them. Hopefully this will not take much time.  
  
Max: Why do you care? You've got an extended life span. You've got all the time in the world.  
  
Kate: And we've got Immortality Spray, so we do too!  
  
Serafina: . . . Kaisa, I suddenly have a feeling of impending doom.  
  
Kaisa: Yes, I do too.  
  
Kate: I feel . . . deprived. . . MAX TOOK MY CLOUD PINE!  
  
Max: It's not cloud pine, it's a stupid STICK!  
  
Serafina: *sighs and hands Kate a random piece of cloud pine* Please, do get on with it. . .  
  
Kate: SQUEEE! I'VE GOT CLOUD PINE!  
  
Max: -.- just what we need. It's not enough that we have an idiot, noooo, now we have to have a FLYING idiot.  
  
Kate: You're just jeleous because I have cloud pine and you don't. *raspberries Max* A_troubled_girl asks Serafina "Did you like Lee...u know, like him like him? ^.~"  
  
Serafina: Lee was a fine man, and I did have feelings for him.  
  
Kate: *wails* LEE SHOULDN'T HAVE DIED!  
  
Max: But if Lee didn't die, what would Iorek eat?  
  
Serafina: He WHAT?!  
  
Max: a_troubled_girl also asks "And couldn't u have brought him back to life with some of your spells?"  
  
Serafina: It would have been nice to do so, but there are no spells to bring someone back from the dead.  
  
Kate: But death is dead! YAAAY! ^_^ Manda Falcon asks Serafina "Do you have an invisible Freind named Bob whom has florecent pink hair with marroon polka dots and always wears a plaid green and bright pink shirt with a plaid marroon and yellow pants?"  
  
Serafina: *blink* How'd you know that. . . I mean. . . No! Of course not!  
  
Max: *snickers*  
  
Kate: I have an imaginary friend! His name is. . . MAX!  
  
Max: -.- Manda Falcon asks Kaisa "Do you have an imagninary pet zebra named Frednandaman who wears purple shoes and a pink bow tie whenever his hair is died, his hiar is never white and black but blue and purple and green and pink and yellow and every colour not in the rainbow, who enjoys walking in the rain, singing in the rain, dancing in the rain, talking in the rain, everything else in the rian, and learning how to polka? Do you? Huh? Huh? huh?"  
  
Kaisa: No.  
  
Kate: Are you sure?  
  
Kaisa: Yes.  
  
Max: You mean you don't polka?  
  
Kaisa: No.  
  
Kate: NOOOOOOOOOO!!  
  
Max: IT CANNOT BE!  
  
Both: *curl up into balls and rock back and forth* Polka polka polka. . .  
  
Serafina/Kaisa: O.o  
  
Kate: *Recovers* Dragonsayer says "i want to ask her how come her spell to heal will didn't work? and what kirjava (which is actually pronounced kEEr-yava)'s name means?"  
  
Serafina: Unfortunately, sometimes spells simply don't work. It's unfortunate, but sometimes things just don't go the way we want.  
  
Max: *snorts* Did we ASK for a moral?  
  
Kate: DON'T BE RUDE TO THE WITCH LADY! *whacks Max*  
  
Serafina: Thank you.  
  
Kate: Anytime.  
  
Serafina: Kirjava means . . . you really want to know?  
  
Max/Kate: YES!  
  
Serafina: well. . . Kirjava is an exotic soup made from the spit of domestic tree wombats who live deep in the jungles of Kukamunga where the sun always shines and it snows every day at 3.  
  
Kate: NEHAHAHA! I WAS RIGHT! I KNEW IT!  
  
Max: O.o  
  
Serafina: O.o  
  
Max: Uiruru Debunsonu says "Ask her if she was stranded on a desert island and was surrounded by people shouting, froin laven, over and over again, and suddenly it started to rain, would she beat herself over the head with an umbrella until she died."  
  
Serafina: Given the conditions. . . yes.  
  
Kate: Hee hee hee. . .*beats Max with an umbrella*  
  
Max: AAAAUGH! *falls off his chair*  
  
Kate: fisbait asks "Have you ever fallen off your broomstick? Do you think your spiffy?"  
  
Serafina: I don't ride a broomstick, but if you mean my cloud pine. . .  
  
Max: . . .  
  
Kate: . . .  
  
Both: WELL?  
  
Serafina: . . . yes. I have.  
  
Both: NEHAHA! We knew you couldn't be THAT perfect!  
  
Serafina: what does "spiffy" mean?  
  
Kate: EVERY THING GOOD! XD I THINK YOU'RE SPIFFY!  
  
Max: *covers ears*  
  
Serafina: er. . . thank you.  
  
Max: EmeraldMoon15 asks "Have you ever jumped off a cliff? If so, was it fun?"  
  
Serafina: I've only jumped off a cliff with my cloud pine.  
  
Kate: I've jumped off a cliff! See? *jumps off a cliff* NEHAHAHAH! *dies*  
  
Serafina: O.o  
  
Kate: *Rezzes* duh-duh_DUUUUH asks "Dude! Don't you get bored with 1000 years of life and no posessions?!"  
  
Serafina: What do I need posessions for? I can FLY! *grins*  
  
Kate: I WISH I COULD FLY! *wails*  
  
Max: Oh shut up and play with your cloud pine.  
  
Kate: ^_^ Cloud pine, cloud pine. . . I shall call it Bartholomew. . .  
  
Max: HDM Fanatic asks Serafina "Did you know that a pickle can jump across the Grand Canyon if you tell it that you are a newspaper that can run at speeds of 5 miles per hour?"  
  
Serafina: I don't blame it. Running newspapers are scary.  
  
Kate: FEAR THE NEWSPAPERS! HDM Fanatic asks Kaisa "Do you ever wish that you could return your beak in exchange for a dark red convertible minivan that has built-in toothpaste that squirts out of the cigarette lighter whenever you say the phrase 'burnt waffles in a tin can'?"  
  
Kaisa: I suppose I would if I could drive.  
  
Max: DUDE! I WANT A CONVERTABLE MINI-VAN WITH A TOOTHPASTE DISPENSER!  
  
Kate: Why toothpaste?  
  
Max: I liiiiike toothpaste. . . . XD Driji asks "What's flying like? May I take flying lessons?"  
  
Serafina: Flying is a wonderful feeling. It's absolutly fantastic to sit on your spray of pine cloud, far above everything. . .  
  
Kate: I WISH I COULD FLY!  
  
Serafina: And you may take flying lessons. If you're a witch.  
  
Kate: I wanna be a witch. . .  
  
Max: That won't be hard, considering you're already a b. . .  
  
Kate: *whacks Max* SHUT YOUR MOUTH!  
  
Max: @_@ *twitch* I see flying rabid weasels. . .  
  
Kate: Narn asks "What are your feelings on Chicken Pot Pie?" AAAAAAUGH! POT PIE!  
  
Max: Mmmm!  
  
Serafina: Pot pie is delicious!  
  
Kate: NOT THE POT! NOOOOOOO!  
  
Max: Well I'm sorry to say our time is up.  
  
Kate: noooo!  
  
Serafina/Kaisa: YES!  
  
Max: *blink* Hey, Serafina. . . you know Ruta Skadi, don't you?  
  
Serafina: . . . why. . .  
  
Max: DO YOU?! *foams at the mouth*  
  
Kate: *whacks Max* NO PESTERING THE GUESTS! *sigh* I guess you can go now. . .  
  
Serafina/Kaisa: YAY!  
  
Max: Don't get too happy. After all, you're coming back for the SUPER EPISODE!  
  
Serafina/Kaisa: NOOO!  
  
====  
  
A/N: SUPER EPISODE! SUPER EPISODE! YEEEEEEHAAAAH! *jumps up and down and squeals*  
I must thank all my fans who send in loverly questions ^_^ YOU MAKE THE SHARPIE SHOW GO! 


	10. An Episode that is Super!

Chapter 10  
An Episode that is Super!  
  
I have a sheep! Sheep! Sheep!  
His name is Joe! Joe! Joe!  
He cuts my lawn! Lawn! Lawn!  
That much I know! Know! Know!  
  
Kate: WELCOME TO THE SHARPIE SHOW! YIPPEEYIPPEEYIPPEESKIPPY!  
  
Max: Today is indeed a very SPECIAL day! Today is our first ever SUPER EPISODE!  
  
Kate: WOOOHOOO! So everyone welcome our guests for the day!  
  
Max: Lyra, Pan, Will, Kirjava, Lord Asriel, Stelmaria, Mrs. Coulter, Thurston, Lee Scoresby, Hester, Serafina Pekkala, Kaisa, the Chevalier Tialys, the Lady Salmakia, Iorek Byrnison, and a random guy named Joey the Catfish!  
  
*the guests appear with a loud MOO and promptly begin to scream*  
  
Guests: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Kate: Hello again! *tacklehugs Lyra*  
  
Lyra: YOU'RE THE PERSON WHO SET ME ON FIRE!  
  
Max: *blink* Hey! This is weird!  
  
Kate: What is?  
  
Max: Lyra and Will have been in the same room for approximately 2.7 seconds and they haven't even yelled each others names yet. . .  
  
Kate: That's because they're busy, dude.*points at Lyra and Will, who are violently snogging*  
  
Max: YUCK! *gags*  
  
Kate: Break it up you two, we're on the air here!  
  
Max: So to speak.  
  
Lyra/Will: NOOOOOOO! *cling to each other and refuse to be parted*  
  
Kate: Fine, stay that way. Now please welcome our 50th reviewer, a spiffy person called tigress247!  
  
*tigress247 walks on stage*  
  
Max: Yo!  
  
Kate: Welcome to the Sharpie Show!  
  
Max: the show where we kidnap random His Dark Materials characters and force them to answer our questions!  
  
tigress247: Thank you. I have a question for Serafina Pekkala. What does Kirjava mean?  
  
Serafina: Didn't you two ask me that last time I was here?  
  
Max: Our short term memories are nonexistant. Refresh them.  
  
Serafina: Kirjava is an exotic soup made from the spit of domestic tree wombats who live deep in the jungles of Kukamunga where the sun always shines and it snows every day at 3.  
  
Kirjava: WHAT?!  
  
Serafina: *shrugs* It seemed like a good name at the time. . .  
  
Kirjava: I'LL SHOW YOU GOOD NAME! *tackles Kaisa*  
  
Kaisa: HONK!  
  
Max: Daemon fight. . . eh. . .  
  
Kate: Well at least now Will has to let go of Lyra. *watches Will and Serafina try and pull their daemons apart*  
  
Kirjava: WHY'D YOU GO AND NAME ME AFTER THAT ANYWAY!?  
  
Kate: *to tigress247* Thank you for coming! *hands her a bottle of Immortality Spray and a cookie*  
  
tigress247: Thanks! *walks off stage*  
  
Max: Our next question is from Morpherkidvb who asks Joey the Catfish. . .  
  
Kate: *stares at Joey the Catfish* WHO ARE YOU?!  
  
Joey: I'm a random guy named Joey the Catfish.  
  
Kate: *blink* WHO ARE YOU?!  
  
Max: *whacks Kate* who says "ask him if he wanted to be eaten by my puppy"  
  
Joey: *from inside Morpherkidvb's puppy's stomach* No, I did not! *is digested*  
  
Kate/Max: *blink*  
  
Kate: Morpherkidvb's next question is for Max.  
  
Max: Me?!  
  
Kate: Yeah!  
  
Max: *blink*  
  
Kate: Morpherkidvb asks Max "Do you exist or are you a figment of Kate's imagination?"  
  
Max: Of course I exist! I'm here, aren't I?  
  
Kate: Yeah, he exists. . . but only in my imagination.  
  
Max: -.- unfortunately. Her twisted mind isn't a particularly pleasent place to inhabit. I'm always running from the random visions of Frodo without a shirt that are floating around in there.  
  
Kate: *whacks Max*  
  
Max: Morpherkidvb asks the Gallivespians "Do you hate being small? Or is it fun enough being able to ride a dragon fly?"  
  
Salmakia: I don't hate being small at all. . . but why are we alive. . .  
  
Tialys: I like dragonflies!  
  
Kate: *blink*  
  
Tialys: What's wrong with that? *bears spur*  
  
Kate: Nothing! I like dragonflies too!  
  
*random dragonflies buzz around*  
  
Max: *swats at dragonflies with Chester*  
  
Kate: Morpherkidvb asks Will and Lyra "Do you like Wild Africen Buffalos?"  
  
Lyra/Will: *briefly quit liplocking* What?  
  
Max: Heheh . . . buffalos. . .  
  
Lyra: I like wild african buffalos.  
  
Will: I don't. . .  
  
Kate: Why?  
  
Will: One poked me in the rear when I was young. . .  
  
Max: How'd you get that close to an African buffalo? You live in England!  
  
Will: I was at the zoo. I got too close to the cage. *glares at Max for dredging up the memory*  
  
Max: O.o whatcha glarin at ME for? SHE asked you the question! *points at Kate*  
  
Lyra: Poor Will. . .  
  
Max: Kat097 asks "what do you think of this whole 'fanfiction business?'"  
  
Lyra: *narrows eyes* I think it's the most horrible thing in the worlds.  
  
Kate: Aww, but without fanfic you'd never get to meet us. . .  
  
Lyra: Exactly.  
  
Kate: . . .Or see Will again.  
  
Lyra: *blink* Oh. . . yes. . .  
  
Kate: Kat097 asks Iorek "Do you feel REALLY embarassed to be beaten by Will who is onyl a little boy and your a huge bear?"  
  
Iorek: I am not ashamed to have been beaten by Will and his knife. Will is a warrior, and the knife is far more powerful a weapon than I, or any, could compete with.  
  
Max: NOT! *brandishes Chester, the Spatula of Doooom*  
  
All: Ooooh! *.*  
  
Max: Kat097 asks Will "Can I have your knife?"  
  
Will: No. The knife broke, anyway.  
  
Max: My spatula could beat your wimpy knife any day.  
  
Will: Could not!  
  
Max: Could too!  
  
Will: Could not!  
  
Max: Wanna bet?  
  
Will: You're on! *reaches for knife. . . then remembers it's broken* -.- you did that on purpose.  
  
Max: *evil laugh* Heheheh. . .  
  
Kate: *pats Will* There there. He does that to everyone.  
  
Will: Hmph.  
  
Kate: Leoj says "ask them what their life is like being fictional characters and their take of people like us writing and reading fanfics about them."  
  
Will: *blink* We're fictional?  
  
Lyra: Being fictional is fine, most of the time. . .  
  
Pan: *glares at Max and Kate* until some crazed fans abduct us and ask us stupid questions.  
  
Kirjava: It gets quite annoying then.  
  
Kate: *feigning innocence* Who, us?  
  
Max: *ditto* Why whatever do you mean?  
  
Lord Asriel: Don't play dumb with us, you know exactly what we mean.  
  
Max: Dude! He speaks!  
  
Kate: But why be sane when insanity is just so much fun?  
  
Max: Heheheheh. . .  
  
All: -.-  
  
Max: ElfinQueenMurasaki. . .  
  
Kate: HI LIZZ!  
  
Max:. . . has a lot of questions for all of you. First one is "Mooses are green. have you ever seen a green moose?"  
  
Iorek: I have. Then I ate it.  
  
Kate: NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE MOOSE! ANYTHING BUT THE MOOSE!  
  
Iorek: I was hungry.  
  
Max: How did the moose get green anyway?  
  
Lee: Maybe it rolled around in the grass a lot.  
  
Kate: NOT THE MOOOSE! *sobs*  
  
Max: Second question. "CHEEZE-ITS! AUUUUUGH!"  
  
All: O.O *blink*  
  
Kate: NOT THE CHEEZE-ITS!  
  
Max: Third question. "What would happen if....if... if.....DOOM HAPPENED!"  
  
Lyra: We'd all die, I suppose.  
  
Kate: No we wouldn't! We'd pray to the allmightly llama to spare us! And Iorek would plunge into darkness forever, because he ate the moose.  
  
Iorek: I WAS HUNGRY!  
  
Max: So? I don't go around eating defenseless mooses when I'M hungry!  
  
Kate: Yeah, he only eats defenseless corn chips.  
  
Max: Fourth question. "What happens when you take two talented, super-spiffy, brave kawaii people from a mystical land far away and bring them here to be captured by two superhyper obessed fangirls with pet weasels?"  
  
Kate: Then Lizz and I are veeeery happy fangirls! ^_^  
  
All: We pity those brave kawaii people.  
  
Lee: *scratches head* What does kawaii mean?  
  
Max: And finally "What is?"  
  
Kaisa: It's a!  
  
All: O.o  
  
Kaisa: Well it is.  
  
Kate: innocence on a stick asks a bunch of questions. First one is "do you think God loved stupid people?"  
  
Lord Asriel: God WAS a stupid person!  
  
Mrs. Coulter: No he wasn't!  
  
Lord Asriel: Was too!  
  
Mrs. Coulter: Was not!  
  
Lord Asriel: WAS TOO!  
  
Mrs. Coulter: WAS NOT!  
  
Lord Asriel: TOOTOOTOOTOO!  
  
Mrs. Coulter: NOTNOTNOTNOT!  
  
Lord Asriel: TOOTOO-  
  
Max: SHUT UP ALREADY! *whacks Lord Asriel and Mrs. Coulter with his spatula*  
  
Lord Asriel/Mrs. Coulter: Look at the pretty stars. . .@_@  
  
Kate: Second question. "Are we all idiots?"  
  
Serafina: I wouldn't hesitate to say you two are.  
  
Max: *pokes Serafina* Do you think you could give me Ruta's phone number? Oh wait. . . she doesn't have a phone. . . could you give her a phone so I can have the number to it?  
  
Serafina: O.o  
  
Kate: Third question. "DO WE EVEN EXIST!??"  
  
Iorek: We're here, aren't we?  
  
Lee: I may be dead, but I still exist.  
  
Serafina: Wait! What if we only THINK we exist?  
  
Max: *pokes self* OUCH! Oh yeah, I exist.  
  
Kate: Fourth question: "Do you like cheese?"  
  
All: Yes  
  
Iorek: No  
  
Max: Cheese is good!  
  
Kate: Yes, it is!  
  
Max: Uiruru Debunsonu asks "what would you do if you were kidnapped and put on a blatent rip off of the pencil show hosted by 2 people max and kate!"  
  
Lyra: I, for one, would do this. *throws back her head and screams*  
  
Max: MY EARS!  
  
Kate: Fun! *screams just for the heck of it*  
  
Everyone else: OUR EARS!  
  
Max: *whacks Kate and Lyra* You're going to make the trash can collapse!  
  
Lyra: *sarcastic* Oh we don't want that, now do we?  
  
Kate: No we don't. wesjdthgols asks "doyoulikecoffee?Ilikecoffee.Iliketomixitwithlotsandlotsofsuger.Ilikesuger.Doyoulikesuger?Ilikesuger.Iliketomixitwithlotsandlotsofcoffee.Ilikescoffee.Doyoulikecoffee?Ilikecoffee.Iliketomixitwithlotsandlotsofsuger.Ilikesuger.Doyoulikesuger?Ilikesuger.Iliketomixitwithlotsandlotsofcoffee.Ilikes. . ."  
  
All: ENOUGH!  
  
Lord Asriel: Coffee good. . .  
  
Kate: Aw darn, our time is up.  
  
Max: I guess you're all free to go.  
  
All: O.O Really?  
  
Kate: Wipe your feet on the way out!  
  
Max: And for being such NICE hostages. . .er. . . guests, FREE CHEESE FOR ALL!  
  
Kate: And coffee!  
  
Max: With lots of sugar!  
  
Kate: We like sugar!  
  
Max: And cheese!  
  
Kate: Sugar is. . .where'd they go?  
  
*trashcan is devoid of hostages. . .er. . .guests*  
  
Max: They've buggered off!  
  
Kate: So they have. They've scarpered.  
  
Max: Let's stop quoting Monty Python.  
  
Kate: Agreed. Biscuit?  
  
======  
  
A/N: we had a super episode! YIPPEEE!  
  
Manda Falcon: *slaps forehead* YOU'RE RIGHT! This is awful! THIS MUST NOT GO ON! *goes to fix chapter 9*  
  
The-shaman-Xavier: WOO! ANIMATORNESS! I'd be honored to have an animator ^_^ I can give you physical descriptions of the hosts if you need 'em. And I'm the only person who writes this. . . Max only exists in my twisted little mind. . . XD As for Immortality Spray, you can get it by being a landmark reviewer (I.E. 50TH reviewer, 100th reviewer, 200th reviewer, etc.) here or on the Pencil Show (sometimes). Or you can just do what Max does and steal it from Hikaness.  
  
A_troubled_girl: Worry not. The Sharpie Show will go on! *grins*  
  
Everyone who requested a certain character: Don't worry, I'll get to them all eventually.  
  
And please don't ask me questions for characters that I haven't announced will be on the show yet. Then I hafta save 'em and all and it gets a bit confuzzling.  
  
Next guest is Iorek Byrnison! 


	11. Svalbard go BOOM!

Chapter 11:  
Svalbard go BOOM!  
  
I have a sheep! Sheep! Sheep!  
His name is Joe! Joe! Joe!  
He cuts my lawn! Lawn! Lawn!  
That much I know! Know! Know!  
  
Kate: Welcome to the Sharpie Show!  
  
Max: The show where we kidnap random HDM characters and force them to reveal their most hideous secrets!  
  
Kate: Our guest today is uber spiffy ^_^  
  
Max: He's none other than the King of Svalbard, Iorek Byrnison!  
  
*random people wielding flame throwers and blow torches herd Iorek on stage*  
  
Iorek: O.O Not here again!  
  
Kate: YUP! Here!  
  
Max: And this time, you're our only guest!  
  
Kate: Don't you feel special?  
  
Iorek: . . .  
  
Kate: But before we start asking questions, please welcome our 100th reviewer, Morpherkidvb!  
  
Morpherkidvb: *walks out* YES! FINALLY!  
  
Kate: Hiya spiffy person!  
  
Max: Yo!  
  
Morpherkidvb: Hey! I have a question for Iorek. Can you do the fish-slapping dance?   
  
Iorek: Why yes I can. Does anyone have a fish? *looks out in the audience*  
  
Joey the Catfish: *from the audience* Oh hell! *runs away. . . or swims. . . or whatever it is random catfish do to get away*  
  
Max: *blink* Did he just. . .wasn't he. . .  
  
Kate: Didn't he get digested last episode?  
  
Both: *shrug*  
  
Kate: Well anyway, thanks for being on the show!  
  
Max: And here's your prize! A lifetime supply of IMMORTALITY SPRAY!  
  
Kate: And a cookie!  
  
Morpherkidvb: WOO! Immortality spray! Thanks! *grabs stuff and runs off the stage*  
  
Kate: bye!  
  
Max: Second question is from Kat097, who asks "'i lost my teddy bear. Isn't that sad? Can I huggle you untill I find my teddy bear? Oh, and can I have some of your groovy armour?"  
  
Iorek: If you hug me, I'll gut you like a fish.  
  
Kate: O.O  
  
Max: YOU GO DUDE!  
  
Kate: You let LYRA hug you!  
  
Iorek: That's different. Lyra is my friend.  
  
Max: What about giving some of your armor away? If you are, you know, I'd like some. . .  
  
Iorek: *huggles his armor protectively* NO! MY ARMOR! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT! MINE! *hiss*  
  
Max: O.o  
  
Kate: Okay then. . . second question is from Manda Falcon who asks "Are you sure your name's not Fred? Why isn't your name Fred? Don't you think your name should be Fred? Do you have an invincible froofy pen which is really an invisible froofy pen but somebody said it wrong so its now invincible and the ink that comes out if it is also invincible but when you swing it around really really really fast an invisible freind with a name like Fred comes out of it and starts gaining a personality where they wear weird things and do other stuff people might not find normal, and if his name is Fred is that the reason why your name is not Fred?"  
  
Iorek: One, yes I am SURE my name is not Fred. Two, my name is not Fred because it ISN'T.  
  
Max: Good answer!  
  
Iorek: Three, I do NOT think my name should be Fred. And four, I do not have an invisible froofy pen that an imaginary friend called Fred comes out of and does weird things, and that is NOT the reason my name is not Fred!  
  
Kate: I'm confuuuuuused. . .@_@  
  
Max: GOOD. tigress247 asks "Why did you eat Lee! How could you! he's your friend!"  
  
Iorek: I was hungry, he was dead! What did you want me to do, go hunt down some fluffy bunny or a green moose?  
  
Kate: *gasp* THAT'S RIGHT! YOU KILLED THE GREEN MOOSE! MOOSE KILLER! *foams at the mouth*  
  
Max: Down, girl. Ask the question.  
  
Kate: *glaring at Iorek* MinnowBrookSkittles says "I WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A POLAR BEAR!!! And he wouldn't talk to me, and he wasn't wearing armour! *gasp!* He had no soul! Maybe that's why he wouldn't talk to me....."  
  
Iorek: Polar. . .bear?  
  
Max: You without armor. EVER!  
  
Iorek: O_O *shiver*  
  
Kate: Lessee. . .*reading* MinnowBrookSkittles also asks . . .O.O . . .NO! YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW! FOR THE LOVE OF DUST, GIRL, RUN AWAY!  
  
Max: What's it say?  
  
Kate: NOT FOR YOU!  
  
Max: LEMME SEE! *grabs question from Kate* "Max, are you single? *thinks* Wait you're not real....Are you single anyway?" *leans back in his chair and grins* Surprisingly enough, I am.   
  
Kate: READ NO FURTHER! *tries to grab question back*  
  
Max: Get off! "Max, are you doing anything on Friday?" Hmm. . . let me check. . . I might be able to fit you into my busy schedule. . . what do you look like?  
  
Kate: Poor MBS. . . Poor poor MBS!  
  
Max: *glares at Kate* Shut up! Final question. . ."Kate, do you have. . . a crush on Max?" O.O  
  
Kate: *blinks*  
  
Both: *scream in horror*   
  
Kate: EW! EW! BAD MENTAL IMAGE! EW!  
  
Max: HEY! What's wrong with me?  
  
Kate: You're not Frodo!  
  
Max: -.- Oh THAT'S a good reason. . .  
  
Kate: Oh please, just give me another question. . .  
  
Iorek: O.O  
  
Max: *blink* What, you haven't run away yet?  
  
Iorek: Unfortunately, no.  
  
Kate: GOOD! Hikaness (HI HIKA!) asks "Hello. Do you have a cat? Did you name him Bob? Does he like to eat cheese? AHH! THE FLYING PENGUINS! THEY'RE REBELLING!"  
  
Iorek: Svalbard is no place for a cat. It would get eaten.  
  
Kate: NOOO! Poor kitty!  
  
Iorek: And sometimes the flying penguins rebel. Then we eat them.  
  
Kate: AAAUGH!  
  
Max: YEAH! EAT THE PENGUINS!  
  
Kate: *blink* How. . . did the penguins get to Svalbard?  
  
Iorek: They flew.  
  
Kate: Oh.  
  
Max: HAHAHA! FLYING PENGUINS ARE COOL!  
  
Kate: Yeah! ^_^  
  
Iorek: They taste good. I hope they rebel again soon.  
  
Kate: NOOOOOOO!  
  
Max: Odd World asks "Can armored bears be purple? Can they have polka dots? Don't you think purple is an absolutely spiffy colour? What would happen if an armored bear went out for a walk but because of global warming the ice broke and the bear still had his armor on? Would he still be able to swim? Would he turn purple?"  
  
Iorek: Once a bear tried to paint his armor purple with polka dots, but the paint washed off when he rolled in the snow. And I fell off some ice when I was wearing my armor once.  
  
Max: Did you die?  
  
Iorek: O.o no. . .  
  
Kate: Did you sink?  
  
Iorek: No.  
  
Max: Well what did you do?  
  
Iorek: I stood there. The water was shallow.  
  
Max: . . . that's boring.  
  
Kate: Did you turn purple?  
  
Iorek: My feet did.  
  
Kate: The-shaman-Xavier asks "Do you think I could go to Svalbard (or whatever his kingdom's name is) and take over with my kick-ass style and magic and enslave (enslaving is fun!!!) all your subjects to re-create the kingdom of heaven to pick-up where Metatron left off so I can become all powerful and -need to catch breath- Finally take over all time and space? And if not, please ignore the 240 nuclear missiles heading your way."  
  
Iorek: I haven't seen your magic, but. . . O.O NUCLEAR MISSILES?  
  
*very distant boom*  
  
Max: SVALBARD GO BOOM! XD  
  
Kate: Uh. . . maybe it missed?  
  
Iorek: AAAAUGH!  
  
Kate: cough drop?  
  
Iorek: Thank you.  
  
Max: Tessie asks "iorek, are you jealous of will cuz lyra loves him better?"  
  
Iorek: No. Will and Lyra deserve each other very much. I'm only sorry they live in separate worlds.  
  
Kate: So am I! *sobs*  
  
Max: *snores*  
  
Kate: ¬.¬  
  
Hika: *randomly pops up* Hee hee! You look like 'Keru! *randomly dissapears*  
  
Kate: *whacks Max*  
  
Max: Wha-huh? What I miss? 42!  
  
Kate: Oh be quiet. Olli asks "what was the name of the bear you killed? was it bob?"  
  
Iorek: Now that I think about it. . . yes. It was.  
  
Kate: My daddy's name is Bob! ^_^ wait. . . YOU KILLED MY DADDY! NOOOOO!  
  
Max: *sarcastic* Wow, and all this time I thought it was because he had cancer!  
  
Kate: That was how one of them died. . . *sniffle* wait . . . DID YOU KILL MY STEP-DAD TOO?! O.O  
  
Iorek: Is your step father a bear?  
  
Kate: No. . .  
  
Iorek: Does he live in my world?  
  
Kate: No. . .  
  
Iorek: Was he ever even involved in a fight with armored bears?  
  
Kate: No. . .  
  
Iorek: Then no.  
  
Kate: GOOD.  
  
Max: As much as I hate to end this, our time is up.  
  
Kate: MOOSE KILLER GO BYE-BYE!  
  
*random people with flamethrowers and blowtorches herd Iorek out of the trash can*  
  
Max: I do believe that's the first time you've been eager to get rid of our guest.  
  
Kate: Well, he ate a moose!  
  
========  
  
A/N: MOOSEKILLER! SPARE THE MOOSE, YOU FIEND! AAAAAUGH!  
  
Heheh. Just because I feel like sticking him in here, Lord Boreal is our next guest! Dude with the funky tongue. . . heh. . . 


	12. LET'S ALL KICK LORD BOREAL!

Chapter 12  
  
LET'S ALL KICK LORD BOREAL!  
  
I have a sheep! Sheep! Sheep!  
His name is Joe! Joe! Joe!  
He cuts my lawn! Lawn! Lawn!  
That much I know! Know! Know!  
  
  
Max: Welcome to the Sharpie show.  
  
*random peanut lands on Max's head*  
  
Max: If you're wondering why I'm the only host present. . .  
  
*another random peanut lands on Max's head*  
  
Max: And why some invisible entity is pelting me with peanuts. . .-.-  
  
Kate: *giggles off camera*  
  
Max: It's because Kate learned how to use her cloud pine.  
  
*Kate falls onto the stage and lands behind her chair*  
  
Max: Sort of.  
  
Kate: *sits up, covered in plaster dust* I'M GONNA DO THAT AGAIN! ^_^  
  
Max: No you're not. The show's started.  
  
Kate: Oh. Spiffy! *Jumps into her chair*  
  
Max: Now then . . .  
  
*cloud pine randomly falls on Max's head*  
  
Kate: Hee hee hee. . .*grabs cloud pine*  
  
Max: -.- As I was saying, todays guest is Lord Boreal and his daemon.  
  
*random people drag Lord Boreal and his daemon on stage*  
  
Lord Boreal: WHAT THE. . . WHERE AM I?  
  
Kate: You're on the Sharpie Show! *Waves cloud pine*  
  
Lord Boreal: o.O  
  
Max: The show where we randomly kidnap His Dark Materials characters and. . .  
  
Kate/Max: FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HIDEOUS SECRETS! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Lord Boreal: heheheh. . ..  
  
Max: *blink*  
  
Kate: Why are you laughing?  
  
Lord Boreal: Because that sounds fun.  
  
Max: For us. . . yes. . .  
  
Kate: For you . . . no. . . FIRST QUESTION! ^_^  
  
Lord Boreal: . . .  
  
Kate: MinnowBrookSkittles asks "How do you pronounce your last name?? Because if it's Boar-ee-al then it sounds like Borealis which is the term used to distinguish northern Auroras from southern Auroras."  
  
Max: It also sounds like Boar! Are you a pig, dude?  
  
Lord Boreal: Absolutely not!  
  
Kate: YES YOU ARE!  
  
Lord Boreal: Whatever makes you say that, young lady?  
  
Kate: ALL MEN LIKE YOU EVER THINK ABOUT IS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF GIRLS! YOU STOLE LYRA'S ALETHIOMETER AND TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MRS. COULTERS FEMININE CHARMS! Or you would have if she hand't killed you, anyway.  
  
Lord Boreal: What did I ever do to YOU?  
  
Kate: ANNOYED ME! I don't like you!  
  
Max: I do! *Reads question* COOL! We got the golden highlighter award!  
  
Kate: *gasp* REALLY? YOU MEAN IT? This. . .*sniff* Is the happiest day of my life. . .  
  
Max: Yeah. And MBS goes on to ask ME. . .  
  
Kate: AAAUGH! *Falls off chair*  
  
Max: "*puppy dog eyes* For the love of Thurston why are you single?! *composes herself and whacks back of her head for the whole Thurston thing* Okay, then, um, I'm, um, five foot six and third (I think) and I have wavy-ish brown hair and green eyes and have a good build and, erm, yeah. That. *grins*" . . . are you free on Saturday?  
  
Kate: -_- What is this, a Pencil Show knock off or a dating game?  
  
Max: It's a dating game now.  
  
Kate: *whacks Max* Is not! Odd World asks "Do you nickname random parts of your body 'Pink Floyd'? If not, why?"  
  
Lord Boreal: Pink what?  
  
Max: heheheh. . . Floyd. . . *snorts*  
  
Kate: I named my left big toe Clementine!  
  
Lord Boreal: Well. . . I DID name my little finger Sanford when I was a lad. . .  
  
Max: . . . That's weird. Isn't it weird, Chester? *rubs his spatula handle*  
  
Kate: Gwenivere thinks so too.  
  
Max: Morpherkidvb asks "Does it bother you that to my knoledge, only Ceres Wunderkind has used you in a fanfic and that time you died?"  
  
Lord Boreal: Actually. . . yes. . .*sniffle* Yes it does. . .  
  
Kate: Awwww! You know, if I didn't hate you so much, I might feel sorry for you.  
  
Max: You would?  
  
Kate: . . . no, no I wouldn't. You're too unlikeable ^_^  
  
Lord Boreal: -.-  
  
Kate: Danae Lunith asks "if given the chance, woud he join the evil Violins and swifer sweepers that are trying to take over the world?"  
  
Lord Boreal: Yes! WORLD DOMINATION! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Kate: O.O  
  
Max: WORLD DOMINATION ROCKS! YEAH!  
  
Kate: You're a little late. Hika already took over the world.  
  
Hika: *randomly appears and hugs the globe* HAHA! IT'S ALL MINE! *dissapears*  
  
Lord Boreal: O.o  
  
Max: *reads* "Violin Bashers Anonymouse?" Ooh! Senseless destruction!  
  
Kate: Fun!  
  
Max: The-shaman-Xavier asks "Can you tell me where the window you used to go from Lyra's world to Will's world is? I'm gonna need to get in other worlds to achieve my scheme for world domination... Oh, right, the angels closed it, right... oh well, in that case, I'll ask this: Can I buy your house in Will's world? I'm gonna need someplace from where I can control all of earth. . ."  
  
Lord Boreal: I would sell it to you. . .if I were alive -.-  
  
Kate: So anyone could just swoop in and take over your spiffy house and sell all your cool looking instrument things?  
  
Lord Boreal: sadly. . . yes.  
  
Max: Note to self. . . go to Oxford.  
  
Kate: Indeed.  
  
Max: The-shaman-Xavier also has a question for Kate.  
  
Kate: Me?  
  
Max: Yes. "When I control the world I'll need evil generals to defeat those damn magical girls (cause, y'know, magical girls like Sailor moon always show up to defeat the big bad) And you sound crazy enough to be one! So what do you say?"  
  
Kate: *eyes get really big* Me, an evil general?  
  
Max: You're not evil enough.  
  
Kate: COOL! *dances around singing* I get to be an evil general! I get to be an evil general! I wanna wear one of those big hats with the poofy feathers and carry sharp, pointy objects!  
  
Max: Aww, I wanted to carry sharp, pointy objects!  
  
Kate: Don't you remember what happened last time I let you have a sharp, pointy object?  
  
Max: . . . oh yeah.  
  
Lord Boreal: I'd give you a sharp pointy object.  
  
Kate: EWW! I don't want anything sharp or pointy from YOU!  
  
Max: Don't bother saying anything to her. She thinks everything you say is perverse.  
  
Kate: That's because it IS! tigress247 says "ask him if he is really a girl in drag. then kick him...or her.." *kicks Lord Boreal*  
  
Lord Boreal: OUCH!  
  
Kate: I've been wanting to do that for a long time ^_^  
  
Max: Man, if you're a girl in drag you're one ugly chick. . .  
  
Lord Boreal: I am NOT a girl in drag!  
  
Kate: *kicks Lord Boreal again*  
  
Lord Boreal: What was that for?!  
  
Kate: For being a perverse advantage-taker! *kicks Lord Boreal again*  
  
Max: Hey, save that for after the show. We still have some questions.  
  
Kate: Aww. . . -.- I wanna kick him some more.  
  
Lord Boreal: *glares at Kate*  
  
Max: Manda Falcon asks "are you making a thing out of tortillas by dying them a bunch of different colours and then cutting them into a lot of shapes making them all purdy and junk and then taking them and gluing them onto plain white tortilla's with black frostin so it will look purdy and then gluing them all together with themselves with alternating colours of frosting and then taking those sugar sprinkles and sticking them in all of the frosting? Are y gonna use it for a door mat for the rest of your life?"  
  
Kate: I want a doormat like that! *eyes Lord Boreal*  
  
Lord Boreal: I do NOT make doormats! And even if I did, I certainly wouldn't give one to you!  
  
Kate: Yeah, well you're un-spiffy!  
  
Lord Boreal: . . .  
  
Kate: San the Dragon asks "will you do the funky chiken dance for me?"  
  
Lord Boreal: Most certainly not!  
  
Max: AWW COME ON! DO IT DO IT DO IT!  
  
Kate: Eww! I don't wanna see HIM do the funky chicken dance!  
  
Max: Be quiet! DO IT!  
  
Kate: DON'T!  
  
Max: DO!  
  
Kate: DON'T!  
  
Max: Be quiet, you!  
  
Kate: Make me.  
  
Max: Make me make you.  
  
Kate: Make me make you make me.  
  
Max: Make me make you make me make you.  
  
Kate: Make. . .  
  
Lord Boreal: ENOUGH!  
  
Kate/Max: O.O  
  
Boreal: *Reluctantly does some semblance of the funky chicken dance*  
  
Max: HAHAHA! XD  
  
Kate: AAAAUGH! MY EYES! *dies*  
  
Lord Boreal: . . .  
  
Max: Sayray asks "Do you know the muffin man?"  
  
Lord Boreal: Why yes, yes I do.  
  
Kate: *rezzes* MUFFINS! ^_^  
  
Lord Boreal: AAAUGH! *jumps up and runs away*  
  
Max: HEY!  
  
Kate: Aw man!  
  
Max: Let him go, we're out of time anyway.  
  
Kate: *puppy dog eyes*  
  
Max: *sigh* Yeah, whatever. Go ahead!  
  
Kate: *runs off stage* YIPPEE!  
  
*dull thud and an OW! from Lord Boreal off stage*  
  
Kate: *walks back* You know, maybe we oughta have him on the show more often. I like kicking him.  
  
=================  
  
A/N: I don't like Lord Boreal. . .  
Anyway, our next guest is Dame Hannah.  
YIPPEE, WE GOT THE GOLDEN HIGHLIGHTER AWARD! ^_^ 


	13. Dame Hannah BECAUSE I SAID SO!

Chapter 13:  
Dame Hannah. . .BECAUSE I SAID SO!  
  
I have a sheep! Sheep! Sheep!  
His name is Joe! Joe! Joe!  
He cuts my lawn! Lawn! Lawn!  
That much I know! Know! Know!  
  
Kate: Welcome to the Sharpie Show!  
  
Max: The show where we randomly kidnap His Dark Materials charachters and force them to reveal their most hideous secrets!  
  
Kate: And randomness is the key to today's guest.  
  
Max: Please welcome Dame Hannah!  
  
Kate: BECAUSE I SAID SO! HAHAHAHA!  
  
*random people drag Dame Hannah on stage*  
  
Dame Hannah: O.O Where am I?  
  
Max: You're on the Sharpie Show!  
  
Kate: BECAUSE I SAID SO! HAHAHAHA!  
  
Max: Shaddup and ask her a question.  
  
Kate: Fine. Sayray says "ask if she realy has a school for girls or does she take all the "puples" to a random island where the invisable police men hold them captive?"  
  
Dame Hannah: Absolutely not! We take pride in our students at my college, and in giving them the finest educations we. . .  
  
Max: I think you do! It's a conspiracy, I tell you!  
  
Kate: You should! It'd be fun! Like a field trip! I wanna see an invisible police man!  
  
Max: You can't see invisible police men, idiot.  
  
Kate: Okay. . . so I want to not see them!  
  
Max: You're not seeing them right now!  
  
Kate: O.O I . . . am confused. . .  
  
Max: As it should be. San the Dragon asks "will you join my crusade against the evil urple violins?" and. . . O.o *tosses card over shoulder and mumbles dark things*  
  
Dame Hannah: WHAT DID THE EVIL URPLE VIOLINS EVER DO TO YOU? *sobs*  
  
Max: Were evil and urple?  
  
Dame Hannah: I suppose that is a good reason. . .  
  
Kate: *picks up the card and reads it* Max, I know why you are single. . . . NEHAHAHA XD Hey Max, if you ever DO get a girlfriend, invite her over to your house! I'll show her my memories from Halloween!  
  
Max: *growls* WHAT?!  
  
Kate: Oh don't worry. I don't think that's gonna be much of a problem. You'll probably never get a girlfriend anyway ^_^  
  
Max: WHY YOU! *whacks Kate*  
  
Kate: *raspberries Max* Face it, Imaginary-Boy, I've got DIRT on you!  
  
Max: *mutters dark thinks*  
  
Kate: hehehehe. . . Yes, San, the world DOES have enough morons already.  
  
Max: I hate you all.  
  
Kate: You're just saying that because it's true. Tigress247 asks. . . why is everyone always asking MAX questions?!   
  
Max: *grin* When you got it, you got it!  
  
*sigh* Tigress 247 asks Max "would you rather.. a) Date a small rodent. b) Date Kate. c) Date me! (i have pleanty of imortality spray!) d) Die alone."  
  
Max/Kate: O.O date Kate. . . AAAAUGH! AAAAUGH! BAD MENTAL IMAGE!  
  
Dame Hannah: o.o I am very frightened. . .  
  
Max: GOOD. *shudders* TheShamanXavier . . .  
  
Kate: *reads card* Darnit. We never did go to Oxford, did we?  
  
Max: Nope. We're gonna hafta find another abandoned mansion.  
  
Kate: Good abandoned mansions are so hard to find.  
  
Max: TheShamanXavier asks "I'm currently recruiting random monsters to accomplish random evil tasks (get some radom One ring, get some random Holy grail, y'know) And I was wondering if you'd like to be one, I can put you up for "evil witch #234", so, what do you say?"  
  
Dame Hannah: What? I would never. . . hmm, a One Ring, you say? Is it a pretty ring?  
  
Kate: It's a REAL pretty Ring! But it got thrown into a volcano. *filling out form A-10* If a magical girl throws you a random magick Tiara that goes as fast as a squashed snail, do you A) Stand there waiting for it to hit you, B) evade it and kill the little pest or C) dance polka while singing "Oh Canada" while swallowing knives. . . Oh! Wait! I know the answer. . . 42! ^_^  
  
Max: Put down C.  
  
Kate: You think?  
  
Max: TheShamanXavier also has another question for you. "WHY DID YOU BRING DAME HANNAH ON THE SHOW??? I mean, Helllllloooooooooo, can you say "nobody"?"  
  
Kate: Of course I can! Nobody!  
  
Max: Why DID you choose Dame Hannah for this episode?! She's so boring! No offence.  
  
Dame Hannah: None taken *busy imagining the One Ring on her finger*  
  
Kate: Well that's an easy one! Dame Hannah's on todays show because. . . I SAID SO! BOW DOWN TO ME FOR I RULE THE GUEST LIST! MUAHAHAHAHAA!  
  
Max: I seem to remember you bribing the random people to drag Dame Hannah onstage instead of someone interesing.  
  
Kate: Stuff it, you. Odd World asks "If you had a monkey, and that monkey was named Billy-Bob, and he liked cheese, and you hated cheese, would that mean that El Nino will strike again?"  
  
Dame Hannah: El. . . what?  
  
Kate: HEE HEE ^_^ THE SPIFFY THING THAT MAKES IT COLD IN FLORIDA!  
  
Max: Need I remind you that that "spiffy thing" made life very difficult for some people out west?  
  
Kate: Oh yeah. . . *blink* Hey, since when do YOU care about random people?  
  
Max: Since it allowed me to make you look stupid.  
  
Kate: -_-  
  
Max: MandaFalcon asks "Hannie, have you ever met a guy named jow eith purple hair and blue eyes who knows how to polka?"  
  
Dame Hannah: Why yes. . . yes I have. . . but my name is NOT Hannie!  
  
Kate: COOL! So that means you know how to Polka, right? RIIIGHT?  
  
Dame Hannah: O.O Yes. . .  
  
Max: TEACH US!  
  
Kate: YES! POLKA POLKA POLKA!  
  
Dame Hannah: o.o No!  
  
Kate: Pleeeease?  
  
Max: WHY NOT?!  
  
Dame Hannah: STAY AWAY FROM ME! *runs out of the trash can and randomly dissapears*  
  
Kate: O.O  
  
Max: -_- Well THAT was productive. You chased her away!  
  
Kate: Oh be quiet. You're scarier than I am.  
  
=============  
  
A/N: Man, that took a long time O.O Sorry about the wait guys, been so busy. . . . I'll try not to let that happen again. . .  
Anyway, the next chapter is the Bad Mental Images chapter. HEE HEE ^_^ I'll announce our next guest there. 


	14. The Rip Off of the Bad Mental Images Cha...

Chapter 14:  
The Rip Off of the Bad Mental Images Chapter  
  
I have a sheep! Sheep! Sheep!  
His name is Joe! Joe! Joe!  
He cuts my lawn! Lawn! Lawn!  
That much I know! Know! Know!  
  
*Backstage. . .*  
  
Max: . . . So it's true? You're not kidding?  
  
Kate: Uh huh! There's gonna be a His Dark Materials MOVIE!  
  
Max: WOO HOO!  
  
Kate: And furthermore, it's being produced by New Line Cinema!  
  
Max: The Lord of the Rings people?  
  
Kate: Well, they produced it too. . . so YEAH!  
  
Max: DUUDE!  
  
Kate: There's ONE problem, though. . .  
  
Max: What?  
  
Kate: Well they're probably going to pick some kid who has at least semi-good looks to play Will, and you know what that means. . .  
  
Max: O.O No.  
  
Kate: Yes.  
  
Both: HDM MARY-SUES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!  
  
Max: Just look at the state of LotR since it was made into a movie!  
  
Kate: Maybe it won't be as bad. . . you know, LotR DID have more of a potential for eye candy than HDM does, what with all the elves and stuff. . . *gulp* I hope. . .  
  
Max: *shudders*  
  
Kate: O.o uh. . .  
  
Max: What?  
  
Kate: Dude, look who's behind you. . .   
  
Max: *turns around to see every single HDM character they've tortured. . .eh, interviewed so far* What are you doing here? We're not gonna have another Super Episode for at least six chapters.  
  
Lyra: We're not here for a Super Episode.  
  
Kate: OOH! Did you come to play with us?  
  
Will: Absolutely not!  
  
Kate: Awww, phooey!  
  
Max: O.o I don't think they look too happy.  
  
Iorek: We're certainly not. *grabs Kate and Max*  
  
Kate: AAAUGH! THE RABID POLAR BEAR IS GONNA EAT ME!  
  
Lyra: He's not gonna eat you, he's just holding you.  
  
Iorek: And I am NOT rabid!  
  
Max: PUTMEDOWNPUTMEDOWNPUTMEDOWNRIGHTNOW!  
  
Serafina: *pulls some rope out of nowhere and ties Max and Kate's hands and feet*  
  
Kate: What are you doing?!  
  
*Iorek sets Kate and Max down on their chairs again. Serafina pulls out yet more rope and ties them securely to their chairs.*  
  
Kate: *starts bouncing up and down on her rear and makes her chair fall over*  
  
Max: Sit still, you dork.  
  
Lee: *sets Kate's chair rightside up*  
  
Kate: But my chair is bouncy! I LIKE TO BOUNCE! ^_^  
  
Max: -.- We've just been captured and tied to our chairs by fictional characters and you're bouncing up and down and grinning like a moron?  
  
Kate: Bouncy bouncy bouncy. . .   
  
Max: My co-host is an idiot.  
  
Kate: Oh be quiet, or I'll lock you up in Hika's basement with a random guy named Chris Podima and feed you low-quality rats and dirty water.  
  
Max: You'll have to catch me first.  
  
Kate: *lunges towards Max. . . and makes her chair fall over again*  
  
Max: *evil laugh*  
  
Serafina: QUIET! *puts Kate's chair right side up again*  
  
Kate/Max: O_O *shut up*  
  
Serafina: Not long ago we came in contact with some very nice people. . .  
  
Kate: *eagerly* Were they the nice young men in the white coats?  
  
Serafina: O.o. . . no. They. .  
  
Max: How come YOU'RE doing all the talking?  
  
Lord Asriel: SILENCE!  
  
Max: O.O Works for me.  
  
Serafina: As I was saying, we ran into some very nice people from a place called Middle-Earth. . .  
  
Kate: MIDDLE-EARTH? WAS IT THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING? WAS FRODO THERE? DID HE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ME? WAS. . .  
  
Lord Asriel: Be quiet, or I'll sew your lips shut!  
  
Kate: O.O Really?  
  
Lord Asriel: No. But shut up anyway.  
  
Kate: 'kay.  
  
Serafina: And they told us about how they had once gotten revenge on the two who had been kidnapping THEM. . .  
  
Max: Hika and Doodles!  
  
Serafina: Yes. And they suggested we do the same.  
  
Kate/Max: O.O  
  
Kate: OH! You know what I'd REALLY REALLY hate? If you made Frodo come in here and parade around in tight leather pants and no shirt with the One Ring on a chain around his neck in front of me.  
  
Lyra: He warned us you'd say that.  
  
Kate: Aww man! *pouts*  
  
Max: I sure hope they don't make Ruta Skadi come in here and strip! That would just SCAR ME for LIFE!  
  
Will: Nice try.  
  
Serafina: No, YOU get to watch Lord Boreal parade around in tight leather pants and no shirt with his daemon around his neck.  
  
Kate: O.O AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!  
  
Max: HAHAHA! XD  
  
Serafina: and YOU get to watch Dame Hannah strip!  
  
Max: O.O NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
*Lord Boreal comes outs and starts parading around in front of Kate in tight leather pants and no shirt and his serpent daemon around his neck, and Dame Hannah starts stripping in front of Max*  
  
Kate/Max: AAAAAAAAAAAUGH! OUR POOR PSYCHES! WE'RE SCARRED FOR LIFE!  
  
Kate: *squeezes eyes shut* Must think about Frodo! Cute little Frodo in his cute little hobbit shirt with his cute little hobbit pants and his cute little pointy ears and his cute big hobbit feet. . .*opens one eye slightly* IT'S NOT WORKING! MOMMY!  
  
Lord Borial: Oh for the love of God, don't you find me the LEAST bit attractive?  
  
Kate: NO! I'D RATHER WATCH YOU SHAVE GIMLI'S BUTT HAIRS!  
  
Gimli: *randomly appears* Is that so?  
  
Legolas: Ugh, not again. *randomly appears with a razor and shaving cream and starts to shave Gimli's butt hairs WHILE Lord Borial parades around in his leather pants*  
  
Kate: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! *dies, rezzes, screams some more* AAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN FRODO?  
  
Max: O.O Uh. . . you know, Dame Hannah, they say those Slim Fast shakes taste pretty good. . .  
  
Dame Hannah: *glare* You keep your mouth shut young man, I'm only doing this because everyone else promised me good money.  
  
Max: OWW! MY EYES! @_@  
  
Serafina: *looking at a random watch* That's enough.  
  
Kate/Max: It is?  
  
Lord Boreal/Dame Hannah: It is?  
  
Serafina: yes.  
  
Kate: THANK YOU, SWEET LADY ELBERETH! *falls over in chair once again*  
  
Max: There IS a God! Or a Goddess. . . or an Eru. . . well there's some deity out there, anyway!  
  
Kate: *looking up at HDM characters* I guess you think that now we're not going to kidnap any of you and torture. . .ah, I mean, interview you.  
  
Lord Asriel: We hoped you would.  
  
Max: FAT CHANCE! After THAT, you're all gonna get it just as bad! Maybe even WORSE!  
  
All: *groan*  
  
Kate: Could you untie us now?  
  
Iorek: And what if we didn't?  
  
Kate: Well I suppose we'd just lie here for. . .ever. . .O.O  
  
Max: D'OH!  
  
Mrs. Coulter: Well I suppose there's a flaw in your brilliant little plan to keep tormenting us all.   
  
HDM characters: *walk out of the trash can and either vaporize or randomly dissapear*  
  
Kate: *wriggles on the floor* Oh phooey. Well this sucks. And my left side's falling asleep.  
  
Max: Stop whining, I'm trying to concentrate.  
  
Kate: Maybe if I chewed off my own wrist. . .  
  
Max: It wouldn't do any good, you'd bleed to death, and I'd have to get a new co-host. It's very hard to find a co-host who doesn't run away screaming or completely loose it after five minutes of hosting with me .*calmly stands up and severed ropes fall around his feet*  
  
Kate: *gasp* YOU GOT FREE! How'd you do it?  
  
Max: Well, the ropes were very strong, but they weren't a match for . . .*pulls out spatula* CHESTER!  
  
Kate: YAAAAY! ^_^ Untie me now!  
  
Max: Sure. *walks over to Kate, and then stops* Heeey. . .  
  
Kate: Aw cummon, don't get any ideas!  
  
Max: Too late, I already got one.  
  
Kate: PLEEEASE untie me?  
  
Max: Ah. . . I think I'll just leave you there for a few minutes. . . or hours. . . or months. . . *evil glint in eye*  
  
Kate: LEMME GO OR I'LL GET MORE PICTURES OF HALLOWEEN FROM LIZZ!  
  
Max: Ah, but how will you do that tied to a chair on the floor?  
  
Kate: . . .  
  
Max: Hmm. . . maybe I could do the show myself. . . *saunters out onto the stage* Yeah, that might be kinda fun. . .  
  
Kate: I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!  
  
=====  
  
A/N: Will Max ever let Kate go? Are our hosts really scarred for life? Did Legolas and Gimli ever randomly dissapear? These questions and more will probably not be answered in the next episode of the Sharpie Show!  
So I blatantly ripped off that one chapter of Hikas. . . I thought it would be fun to do. . . *hopes she isn't killed*  
Next guest is none other than. . . RUTA SKADI! Max shall be a veeeery happy boy, yes he shall . . .  
  
And no asking questions in FF.nets review thingy! Go HERE to ask a question: http://pub90.ezboard.com/bthesharpieshow 


	15. Lust, Lust, and More Lust! Oh, and Ruta...

Chapter 15:  
Lust, Lust, and More Lust! Oh, and Ruta's there too.  
  
  
I have a sheep! Sheep! Sheep!  
His name is Joe! Joe! Joe!  
He cuts my lawn! Lawn! Lawn!  
That much I know! Know! Know!  
  
  
Max: Hello everybody, and welcome to the Sharpie Show! I'd like to take this moment to celebrate the return of the Sharpie Show to FF.net, as well as the fact that today's guest is a total BABE, and this time I'M doing the show without my idiot co-host!  
  
*Kate screams from off camera*  
  
Max: Shut up. Oh, and by the way, AySz88, you're on my "hunt down and kill in a very slow and painful fashion" list. Now please welcome today's guest, Ruta Skadi!  
  
*Ruta Skadi randomly appears*  
  
Ruta: o_o Where am I? You, boy! How did I get here? stands up and points at Max*  
  
Max: O_O *drool*  
  
Ruta: O_o Speak!   
  
Max: *tilts his head and stares at Ruta, his mouth half open*  
  
Ruta: O_o *looks around* What is this place?  
  
Max: Preeeety witch lady . . .  
  
Ruta: Oh, so you can speak? Where am I?  
  
Max: *drooling* Aluminum trash can . . .  
  
Ruta: -_- What?  
  
Max: Sharpie Show . . .  
  
Ruta: O_O WHAT?! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! HELP! looks around for the door*  
  
Max: Kidnap HDM char . . . ask questions . . . *stare*  
  
Kate: SNAP OUT OF IT!  
  
Max: O_O WHAT?  
  
Kate: *bunny hops on stage, still tied from head to foot, seething with anger* You heard me you moron! What kind of an episode of the Sharpie Show just has you sitting there like a moron and staring at Ruta Skadi?  
  
Max: I think it sounds like a great episode!  
  
Kate: -_- *jumps on Max's foot*  
  
Max: OW! HEY!  
  
Kate: UNTIE ME!  
  
Max: NO!  
  
Ruta: O_O Yambe Akka, come to me! GET ME OUT OF HERE!  
  
Kate: OH NO YOU DON'T! We are GOING to have an episode today, mark my words! Now UNTIE ME!  
  
Max: No.  
  
Kate: Yes.  
  
Max: No.  
  
Kate: Yes.  
  
*Five hours later*  
  
Max: No.  
  
Kate: Yes.  
  
Ruta: *snore*  
  
Kate: -_- now look at what you did! You put our captive . . . er . . . guest to sleep!  
  
Max: *raises his eyebrow and bends over, trying to sneak a peek up Ruta's skirt*  
  
Kate: YOU PERVERT! Tackles him and knocks his chair over  
  
Max: OW!  
  
Ruta: *sits up* AUGH! I had the most horrible dream I was on the Sharpie . . . oh, wait . . . -_- darn.  
  
Kate: *stands up* Yay! Now we can have an episode! ^_^ *ropes drop to the ground*  
  
Max: HEY! How'd you get untied?  
  
Kate: *holds up a random butcher's knife* Ever heard of Deus Ex Machina?  
  
Max: -_-  
  
Kate: *blows Max a raspberry* Me and my new knife will deal with you later. Our first question comes from Tigress247 who asks "would you rather date max or a rat?"  
  
Ruta: Who is Max?  
  
Kate: *points to Max*  
  
Max: *staring at Ruta*  
  
Ruta: . . . Definitely the rat.  
  
Kate: Goood choice!  
  
Max: O_O Preeety witch lady . . .  
  
Kate: *kicks Max* Ask her the next question.  
  
Max: Oh, right. San the Dragon asks "would you like to date Max? do you think he's hot? Would you go insane from all of Kate's mental images left over from Halloween?" *looks at Ruta hopefully*  
  
Ruta: No, No, and . . . what? *Blink* What happened on Halloween?  
  
Max: Oh, nothing! Nothing at all! No, not a thing, no sir-ee, I didn't do anything on Halloween, just . . .   
  
Kate: *showing Ruta The Pictures* . . . and look at THIS one, and THIS one, and THAT one . . .  
  
Ruta: O.O Oh . . .my . . .   
  
Max: AAAAUGH! *yanks the pictures away from Kate and tears them up into tiny bits*  
  
Kate: Oh, go ahead. I have lots of copies stored throughout the Trash Can ^_^  
  
Max: WHYYY?!  
  
Kate: So that I can watch you do that! ^_^  
  
Max: T_T  
  
Kate: Odd World asks "Did you have INTERCOURSE with Lord Asriel after you followed those angels to him? What kind of INTERCOURSE? Was it the kind where you sit down and talk about butterflies and pleasent things, or where you play chess, or the OTHER kind?"  
  
Ruta: Yes.  
  
Kate: *blink*  
  
Max: *blink*  
  
Ruta: *ooks pleased with herself*  
  
Max: *growl* Lucky bastard. Lord Asriel must DIE!  
  
Kate: He's already dead.  
  
Max: . . . damn. THEN HE MUST DIE AGAIN!  
  
Kate: You already killed him once.  
  
Max: . . . shut up. Magical boy asks "Ruta, if you were a big banana sunday with a slice of peanut butter, and you'd go to new york to get an audition to act in a soap called "his dark materials", how many sheeps would farmer Joe have?"  
  
Ruta: He wouldn't have any sheep. He would have an iguana.  
  
Kate: *blink*  
  
Max: *blink*  
  
Kate: You know, I think she understands these questions a little too well.  
  
Max: But I thought the answer was green!  
  
Kate: I thought it was sponge.  
  
Ruta: You're all wrong. The answer is Frisbee and a bucket of urple cheese llama wool.  
  
Kate: O_O Okay, she understands us WAY too well!  
  
Max: What did you do to her?  
  
Kate: Nothing! I bet it was those stupid pictures of you. They warped her mind!  
  
Max: YOU showed them to her!  
  
Ruta: Will you just let me answer the rest of the questions and get this over with?  
  
Kate: *sigh* fine . . . Jehane Wizardborn asks "Do you like rabbits?  
  
Ruta: *thinks* yes.  
  
Kate: Do you like cupcakes?   
  
Max: Mmm, cupcakes! ^_^  
  
Ruta: Yes.  
  
Kate: Do you like rabbit-shaped cupcakes?  
  
Ruta: . . . yes.  
  
Kate: Does Max disturb you greatly?"  
  
Ruta: YES.  
  
Max: -_- How come Jehane Wizardborn got so many questions?  
  
Kate: 'Cause I got to pick questions this time.  
  
Max: *grumble* CiD asks "are you a flying penguin? Actually, you aren't because penguins aren't adapted to fly."  
  
Ruta: . . .   
  
Kate: Well?  
  
Ruta: That question answered itself.  
  
Max: So?  
  
Ruta: So there's nothing for me to say.  
  
Kate/Max: *die from all the logic*   
  
Ruta: O_O *innocently strolls away from the dead bodies and outside the Trash Can, where she dissapears*  
  
Kate: *Rezzes* Okay, next question is from . . . hey, where'd she go?  
  
Max: Darnit! I didn't get a chance to ask for her phone number!  
  
Kate: She wouldn't have given it to you.  
  
Max: How do you know?  
  
Kate: She doesn't have a phone.  
  
Max: . . . -_-  
  
-------------------  
  
A/N: YAAAY! cavorts about with things that make a great amount of noise* FIRST NEW EPISODE OF OUR RETURN TO FF.NET! ^_^  
Remember to ask questions on the Message Board! Our next guests are John Parry and his daemon. 


	16. Jopari the Holey Headed

Chapter 16:  
Jopari the Holey Headed  
  
I have a sheep! Sheep! Sheep!  
His name is Joe! Joe! Joe!  
He cuts my lawn! Lawn! Lawn!  
That much I know! Know! Know!  
  
  
Kate: Welcome to the I-Can't-Believe-It's-Finally-Been-Updated Sharpie Show!  
  
Max: The show where we kidnap HDM characters and FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HIDEOUS SECRETS! MUAHAHAHA!  
  
Kate: Our guest today is none other than Will's dad, John Parry!  
  
Max: Or Stanislaus Grumman.  
  
Kate: Or Jopari.  
  
Max: Dude has a lotta names.  
  
Kate: Aragorn's got him beat.  
  
*random people drag John Parry onstage*  
  
John: Can't you people let me be dead in peace?!  
  
Kate: O_O Jeeze you have thick eyebrows.  
  
John: =_=  
  
Max: So! Let's get to it, shall we? *clears throat* TheLF asks "So, was your wife always a total nutcase or was it the result of eating fifteen industrial-sized buckets of purple cheese?"  
  
John: I TOLD her not to eat it! I TOLD her purple wasn't one of the natural colors of cheese! But did she listen to me? NO! And look what it got her! =_=  
  
Kate: What DID it get her?  
  
John: . . . I am too enlightened to answer that.  
  
Kate: But you HAVE to answer! This is the show where we kidnap HDM characters and force them to reveal their most hideous secrets!  
  
Max: MUAHAHAHAHA!  
  
John: . . . I'm still more enlightened than you are.  
  
Max: WRONG ANSWER! *whaps John with Chester*  
  
John: OW! DON'T HIT ME THERE!  
  
Kate: Why?  
  
John: That's where the hole in my skull is!  
  
Kate: O_O REALLY?  
  
Max: *pulls out tape recorder* Note to self . . . whack John Parry on the head as many times as possible.  
  
Kate: Hey! You know what? My daddy has a dent in his skull from when he had brain surgery! ^_^  
  
John: . . . that's . . . nice.  
  
Kate: He lets me poke it!  
  
John: . . . so?  
  
Kate: Can I poke YOUR skull dent?  
  
John: NO!  
  
Kate: *starts poking John in the head* ^_^ Pokity poke poke!  
  
John: CUT THAT OUT!  
  
Max: You think if we cut the skin on his dent we could see his brain?  
  
Kate: I dunno. Wanna find out?  
  
Max: SURE! *maniacal eye-glint*  
  
John: O_O NO! I. . . uh. . . what about those questions?  
  
Kate: Oh yeah! We can't perform a lobotomy on him until AFTER the show.  
  
Max: Darn. I wanted to see his brain now!  
  
John: o_o I am very frightened.  
  
Kate: And well you should be ^_^ Next question comes from world domination on a plate, who asks "If your kid weighs 35 pounds and there were 93 pounds in your mouth, how long is the distance between Adolf Hitler and 19 miles?"  
  
John: Wait! I know this one!  
  
Kate: Of course you do! The answer is 42.  
  
John: What?  
  
Max: 42 is the ANSWER TO EVERYTHING!  
  
Kate: *points to audience, Uncle Sam style* Do YOU know where your towel is?  
  
John: . . . I don't have a towel.  
  
Max: O_O WHAT?!  
  
Kate: How do you expect to be a proper Galactic Hitchhiker if you don't have a towel?  
  
John: . . . I don't.  
  
Kate: . . . then you need a towel!  
  
John: I do not!  
  
Max: EVERYONE needs a towel! Here, have one. *hands John a Complimentary Sharpie Show Towel*  
  
John: Uh . . . thanks.  
  
Max: zydeko00 asks "HI KATE!!!!!!"  
  
Kate: HIII!!!!! ^_^  
  
Max: . . . How did you suddenly have powers? Did you drink some insanity fizz and it went down the wrong way? Did you make a deal with the evil urple violins? The world needs to know!!!!!"  
  
John: HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?! O_O er . . . uh . . . I mean . . .  
  
Kate: Oooh, you consorted with the urple violins!  
  
Max: SHAME on you, man!  
  
John: . . . I WAS YOUNG! THEY GAVE ME A COOL RATTLE AND NEAT POWERS! HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO RESIST?  
  
Kate: Just for that, we're not gonna give you a lobotomy!  
  
Max: We're not?  
  
John: You're not?  
  
Kate: No. We're going to . . . REMOVE YOUR ENTIRE BRAIN!  
  
John: AAAAAUGH! O_O  
  
Max: WOO HOO!  
  
Kate: But first we have to finish asking you questions. Tigress247 asks "John, whats with the whole drilling holes in the skull thing? seriously. WHY?! i mean, what purpose does it serve?? can you *see* out of it? does it tell the future? can it find my missing socks?!"  
  
John: My almighty power has determined that your missing socks are . . . in the refrigerator!  
  
Kate: . . .  
  
Max: No kidding? My socks ALWAYS end up there!  
  
Kate: . . . I usually just find my socks under my bed . . .  
  
Max: Can't you find a more interesting place to loose your socks?  
  
Kate: I suppose I could. *pulls out tape recorder* Note to self . . . loose socks in more interesting places.  
  
Max: Gimme back my tape recorder.  
  
Kate: Nuh uh. This is MINE. You borrowed it from me three days ago.  
  
Max: did not!  
  
Kate: Did too!  
  
Max: Prove it!  
  
Kate: Make me!  
  
Max: Make me make you.  
  
Kate: Make me make you make me.  
  
Max: Make me make you make me make you.  
  
Kate: Make -  
  
John: AHEM!  
  
Max: . . . right. San the Insane asks "Hi John. ^*^ You're spiffy, because You're Will's dad.  
...OR ARE YOU! IT'S A CONSPIRACY! HE'S NOT WILL'S DAD, LORD ASRIEL IS!!! *gasp* INCCEST!!!!!!   
....or maybe Metatron is Will's dad.... O_o"  
  
John: Oh, I'm Will's Dad allright. He has my eyebrows. *Grin*  
  
Kate: I'll say. Do you have to use a lawn mower to cut those things?  
  
John: . . .   
  
Kate: She Who Gives Migraines asks "If you had known that turning down Juta's love would have resulted in you being killed only seconds after realizing Will was your son, would you still have turned down Juta's love? HUUUUH?!"  
  
John: Yes. Juta creeps me out.  
  
Max: Why?  
  
John: She just DID, OKAY?  
  
Max: So? Kate creeps ME out all the time.  
  
John: . . . come to think of it, she creeps me out too.  
  
Kate: *glitter of glitter*  
  
John: . . . I want to be dead again. Can I go now?  
  
Max: No. EvilRyokoJesse has a question for Kate.  
  
Kate: I'm special! ^_^  
  
Max: yeah, whatever. *absentmindedly pats Kate on the head* "I was wondering...could you light John Parry on fire and then have him do stop, drop, and roll with a dalmation?"  
  
Kate: *gasp* I LIKE FIRE! *grabs lighter*  
  
John: o_o ACK! DON'T POINT THAT THING AT ME!  
  
Max: But if you burn him up, we won't be able to remove his brain later!  
  
Kate: . . . can I light his brain on fire after we remove it?  
  
Max: Sure.  
  
Kate: Okay then! ^_^ *puts lighter away*  
  
John: I want to be dead now, please.  
  
Max: Not a chance.  
  
Kate: Aurora78 asks "What is Cream of Tartar made of?"  
  
John: Cream of WHAT?  
  
Max: They cream Tartars? COOL!  
  
Kate: I thought crem of Tartar was that stuff you put on fish.  
  
John: O_O  
  
Max: Isn't tartar that yellow stuff that grows on people's teeth?  
  
Kate: Why yes, I do believe it is. Maybe they mix that up with Tartars!  
  
John: That's disgusting!  
  
Max: I know! Isn't it great? ^_^  
  
John: . . .  
  
Max: icedt asks "Is a turtle without a shell naked or homeless?"  
  
John: Both.  
  
Kate: Aww, poor turtle. I'll knit it a sweater ^_^  
  
Max: You can't knit anything but scarves.  
  
Kate: I could if I tried. *Pouts*  
  
Max: Didn't you try making a backpack once.  
  
Kate: Shut up.  
  
Max: Why?  
  
Kate: Because it's time for . . . *pulls out Butcher Knife* BRAIN SURGERY ON A DEAD GUY!  
  
Max: YEAH! *pumps fist and pulls out Chester*  
  
John: O_O AAAAAAUGH!  
  
Kate: Now this here little "Brain Surgery for Morons" book says we're supposed to make a clean incision around the skull first.  
  
Max: But who cares? We just wanna see the guy's BRAIN! *runs at John with Chester*  
  
Kate: MUAHAHAHAHA! *waves Butcher Knife around*  
  
John: O_O NOOOOOO! *falls out of his chair and twitches madly a couple of times before laying still*  
  
Max: . . . what happened?  
  
Kate: I think he had a heart attack!  
  
Max: . . .can we still remove his brain?  
  
Kate: Sure!  
  
John: *randomly vaporizes*  
  
Max: Darn!  
  
Kate: I wanted to light his brain on fire! *Sniff*  
  
Max: . . . so . . . uh . . . wanna go poke the dent in your dad's head?  
  
Kate: Mmm . . . okay! ^_^  
  
------  
  
A/n: Feel special. I wasn't gonna write this tonight, but after seeing all my lovely reviews, I decided to anyway ^_^ Now remember, no asking questions using the review function! It's BAD! Go to the Message Board (http://pub90.ezboard.com/bthesharpieshow) and ask. I've posted the name of the next guest there. 


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